My heart is Full

Here are a couple of comments from my last post. THANK YOU! Is all I can say to you both! You really have no idea how much the push and the kind words have meant to me.
It is so easy to quit. I just know the after math of quitting would probably kill me, or atleast give me an ulcer and probably force me to find some prozac.
I am going to be taping up some cute little posters in my kitchen today. To remind me who I am, where I came from, and what I am gonna look like on Nov. 19th.
Thank you for rooting for me, there are far too many people in this world that find excitment and joy in tearing others down. They are few and far between that take the time out of their busy, busy lives to build others up and I am forever grateful for those who I have found, and have found me.... I have more than my fair share of cheerleaders and when the going gets tough-- THAT is what I need to remember.
Feeling blessed today.


Brooke9b said...
I think it's really normal what you're goind through! Try and have inspirational/motivational pictures/quotes/people/etc around you for the time of day/location that triggers you to feel sad/depressed/HUNGRY etc :) Just a thought, right after my dinner I brush the heck outta my teeth, floss & mouth wash so that I think more than once before I eat or drink anything besides water before bed.
September 22, 2011 7:45 PM
Lisa said...
Teri,I know we have never met, but I feel totally connected to you and your journey. I think about you every time I have a "cheat". I realize that I am not in training so I have come to a middle ground with it, but its simply because I do not have the will yet. There is a reason you are here. A reason you are being sculpted. I am not talking about the external (though its lookin' mighty fine!). You are being forged into something greater. It is not a pain-free process and it is not for the weak-hearted. GOOD ON YOU for taking on the challenge and working the hell outta it!! IF IT WERE EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT. IF IT WERE EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT. Get a white-board marker and write that on your mirror, your fridge, your pantry... anywhere you need it because its the truth. You wanted more, you wanted better so you have to work for it. And the more and better you will get out of this process will be life-changing for you. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! I am rootin' for you as I climb my ass up that damn stairmaster and everytime I wonder how the hell you do it for 60 minutes. You drive me to work harder. You can't quit because I'm not ready for you too.Now, go. Eat your bland-ass food, drink your fishtank-o-water, and kill your muscles. It will be sooooo worth it when you own that stage!!!

Bi Polar

FYI I am not making fun of people who are bi polar. But under my understanding of it, I really feel like sometimes I have it!!

One day I am go hung about this process and I am living in the moment, loving it. Eyes on the prize of being on a stage in a small royal blue sparkly bikini... and then outta no where I come home from a hardcore workout and I feel like I am going to kill someone if I don't eat some carbohydrates.

I have wanted to quit this whole thing like 30 times in the past 60 days. A good half of my time has been spent wishing I would have secretly signed up for this so I could secretly quit and not feel like an idiot.

Why do I always open my mouth?!

For the accountability. Welp, I got that. People know. I'd feel like an idiot if I quit. But last night I really REEALLY reallly wanted to.

I even tried to. I told my hubby I was done. And I had my phone ready to text Jon and break up with him too.

I mean, I am living for a cheat meal. Really, like I am living for it. The only thing getting me through the days is the fact that I know I have a cheat meal coming sometime soon.

Dude. That isn't even healthy is it?

I took 2 doses of caffiene yesterday. One pre 60 minutes of stairs (ya, girl. Rocked that workout). One pre 90 minute lifting legs and 30 more stairs. (yep, almost rocked that one too). But then I got home and I was jittery and crazy and I wanted to kill someone AND eat a lot of food.

I always think to myself. Why? Why do I want to eat this or that? What is it that I am looking for that I am not getting. NOTHING tastes that good. I just want to be able to eat whatever the crap I want. I hate hate hate that if I even eat a blueberry I am cheating on my nutrition. I do not like cheating. I do not like feeling like a cheater.

My hubby tried with all his might to keep me on the wagon, he really wants me to finish. He really thinks I'll regret if I quit.

I really think he is right. I really think that's what I wanted him to say, but at the same time I was hoping he would just say "enough, be done."

He didn't.

I mean, when I think about quitting half way through the process I feel like right NOW it would feel SOOO good, but in two months I feel like I would feel really sad. And I feel like in 10 years I will look back on these moments and be thankful for the opportunity and the process... more so than in ten years looking back and regretting the process and the occasion.

I was at the 24 hour club at 2 am this morning doing my stairs because I could not sleep. Note to self: I will not take caffiene after my morning session anymore ever. I know that is ridiculously weird that I was at the gym at 2 am. I know my body needs rest to recover and grow. Couldn't do it. I felt like the biggest freak in the entire world driving 2o minutes to get to the stair climber. I was wide awake though.

I thought, pondered, worried, stewed the whole time. How am I going to finish this? I don't want to. But I don't want to quit. I want to wear a sparkly bikini and I want to be proud of what I accomplished. I just HATE the process that gets me there.

Is that weird to finish? Really. What would you do? I am just curious because I see other people's blogs and it really does seem so easy for them, and I just can't figure out for the life of me, WHY this is sooooo hard for me. It really is, it is so hard.

I thought it was going to be easy. I read about girls binging, I thought they were weak. I read about girls chewing gum all day, thought they were weird... and now I chew gum all day. I hear about skinny girls saying they are fat, looking for attention. Dude, I don't think they are. I really think they think they are fat. I am not fat, but I still feel like I have sooo far to go-- how can I ever be ready in 5 weeks for show 1? That is like, basically 5 workouts per body part left.

I think I am going to a posing session with my trainer this weekend which is when I believe he is going to evaluate if I will be stage ready in 5 weeks.

Wow. I sorta can't believe it. I sorta need some advice. I really need to get rid of any cheat meals I may deserve at 127 because it is so close.

I am crazy. Every.other.stinkin.day. I do not know why. But this is one, nope, pretty sure this is THE hardest thing I have ever done. Sorry to whine, again.

128.3

Shut the Front Door.

He is gonna think I have been cheating... which I have not!!!

So what is goin on, that scale is goin down baby down!!!

Maybe it was the pants during my HIIT yesterday?!

I don't know, but I LIKE IT!!

Gotta little love from my ol pappy last night.... meant a lot to me.

I sent him my text that said "Thanks for the nudge earlier today, I needed it."

He said "My pleasure, you have no idea how proud of you I am and will always will be. Now lets bust some ass and get this done well so we can eat some tacos again."

Ahhhh.... my heart. Thanks daddy! This has been hard on everyone, me not being able to be around food, not being able to go get food. We admit it, we socialize around food a lot. But it's what we do, and after this-- while in much more moderation than what used to be, it will go back to the way it was again.

I don't think I am in danger of eating 1 whole bag of m & m's myself anymore. But I will be able to feel ok indulging in a few here and there. Not too many though because I really, really do like the way I look and I don't want to lose sight of the work that I have put into getting here and how much I appreciate my body and the way it looks now.

Now thanks for the love on my last post!! Your good vibes must be working so keep sending em my way so I can get that cheat meal!!! Woop Woop!!

129.7

Totally broke through the 130's today.

I am feelin it.

I wore pants to the gym. Hate working out in pants but wanted to sweat more.

Big Jon says I get my next cheat meal when I hit 127. I have been at 130 for oh..... like a month.

OH CRAP!!! What if I don't get to 127. That's gonna really really suck. But I have decided to go without diet dr pepper until I hit 127 and then I shall have tacos, rice, beans, chips, salsa, diet dr pepper, bananas and peanut butter.

There it is. That's what's on this menu for this girl. I haven't had a cheat meal since last Saturday and I was really expecting one THIS Saturday. So, I like to have a goal to work towards. HIIT is gonna get harder, and I am gonna chug more water and I am gonna hit 127 and hopefully it is SOONER than LATER.

Wish me luck. xoxo

Mirror

Wow buddy I just went to take a bath and shave my legs. I had been growing the hair for 4 days, thinking I was going to wax it in two weeks and keep it up til after the show.

Well trainer and trainer wife think shaving is a better idea and since I pay them to have the ideas I follow them.

As I was getting into the bath of course I checked myself out, who doesn't? Don't lie. I know you do it.

Tonight was different though.

Dude, I saw the outline of a flat stomach on my round stomach. It still has its bulginess but it is getting flatter and I can see the abdominals trying their hardest to COME OUT!! Yay muscles. Keep comin, you can do it. I love you, you are working so hard!! Let's do this. Let's show the world ab muscles on my stretch mark tummy ok!!!

Oh ya, and I saw really nice lean arms. Shoulder cap isn't quite as prominent as I want, but it is coming and for the first time in my life I can say the biceps I have been working on FOREVER are finally there.

Wow, what a nice dessert. Being happy with my reflection tonight.

Sunday Rest Day

One question. What do people do with all their time?!

It is Sunday and I decided to skip church because I would be going alone, while my hubs is on shift, with both kids for two straight hours. Have you met my 2 year old? Can you say "kill me now?"

So we went and visited some family thank goodness to get me out of this house I was going nuts. (mmm, nuts... almonds, walnuts, peanuts...) All I have thought about all day is food. Planning out my meals for after show #1, after show #2, then after after. Thanksgiving plans. Checked in with all my friends to see how their cheat meals went (I don't get them anymore fyi, unless I LOOK like I need one to Big Jon... sure wish I saw him everyday at 6 am when I do cardio... He'd be more inclined to give me one I bet).(Another side note, never wearing make up or taking a shower before I meet with him... might help my chances more. I don't care what time training is... 5 pm, Ill take my makeup off right before). :o)

Why is it that I WANT to rock that stage like nobody's business in the hottest, smallest, sparkliest, bluest two piece ever-- but equally want to quit and eat whatever the heck I want whenever the heck I want it. That is what is standing between me and looking nothing less than amazing. This overwhelming love of all things food.

What the heck? It's just food. I know what it ALL tastes like, (trust me in my old life I tried anything, everything, always and rarely would waste a thing). I only have two months left from tomorrow and this is all going to feel like a zillion years behind me.

WHY?! Why is food such an obsession.

I hung out with my cousin for a bit today and she really helped me think about it less. She told me how easy it is to follow her meal plan, and while she is eating a bit different than me it is still strict and the same thing every day. So even that will eventually get boring to me but ANYTHING seems so much better than 1/4 c oats and 1/2 c brown rice for my carbs. I JUST MISS SOME FRIGGIN THICK BREAD OR SOMETHING!!!

I can do this. I am doing this. I own stripper heels, I have a swim suit being cut and made specially for MY body. I am growing muscles, I am staying away from those temptatious foods and I am a figure competitor in training. Food is just that. It's food. I need to stop thinking about it in any other light than the fuel that feeds my process to get to MY destination.


Getto fabulous fitness Momma.

Ya that's me.

Anyway. It would be less hard to stop thinking about food if I was working out for 3 hours as usual, or if I was dropping my 4 year old off at preschool and picking her up. But it's Sunday. My husband is working and I didn't go to church. Which leads me to have WAY too much time on my hands.

So, now I am wondering... what am I going to do when I have all this time back? Will I keep training like this? Will I keep working out twice a day. I kinda like it like that. I definitly wont be doing 1 hr 25 minutes of cardio EVER EVER again. But 2o minutes in the morning, fasted? Maybe. Lift later little cardio right after. Ya, maybe.

I wish I could learn to love the fuel for the process as much as I love the training for the process. That's my goal this week. To enjoy it. To enjoy the process, the whole process. More than likely, I'll never do this again and I will never ever get a whole 2 more months of time focusing MOSTLY on just me. I really should enjoy it. Cuz before long it'll be all about the hubs and kiddos again and I will be the lost one in the background like usual.

Which is ok, because I chose this and I wouldn't choose it any other way if I had to do it again. I love this life. Love this family, and I couldn't be more thankful they put up with me, this getto fabulous fitness mama.

So, all you readers... yes I know about 30 of you who check everyday. What do you do with your time? Are you competitiors? Are you fitness enthusiast? Are you crafters? Are you moms? What do YOU do?

Balooo!!!

Early morning treadmill walking for me started my day off just right.

Then I met up with my trainers wife, aka my friend/mentor Shawna to go meet an amazing seamstress named Nicole to get my figure suit figured out.

So wish I would have had this appointment last week because it has me all excited and re ESTATIC for my show.

I looked through fabrics but really all ready had in mind what I wanted.... bright PiNk, PuRpLe, or GrEeN. And then I got there and fell in love with this bright, sparkly BlUe. Oh, I am in love. It is shimmery and oh- s-o -perfect.

I tried on another suit to get the feel for what my bottoms will be like and the top. Well the top is rockin. I really liked the green color I am wearing but after having both up to my skin we (all three of us there) felt like blue made me POP more. And honnnnney, with all this sweatin and hunger stuff I want to strut and pop on that stage like nobody's bizness.

So we got the suit figured out and the master minded sewer lady is going to make mine a bit higher in front and a bit wider at the chotch area to lessen the significance put on my fupa. New term I learned flabby upper pubic area. Sorry, I know bad visual. But you needed to know what this FUPA word meant, I mean. People have been throwing it around like crazy lately and I was going nuts not knowing what the heck they were referring to.

Well, now I know. Don't google pics. You'll regret it I am sure. But it is a saggy lower lower tummy area that has been on me since I was born and was made much worse after my horrid pregnancy's. The good news is FUPA is getting smaller as my body fat decreases, the suit will be higher so I will be able to tuck a lil FUPA in, and my tan will cover a lot as well.

All in all, I felt good about the way I was looking 6 weeks out in my tiny two piece.

I mean. I almost liked what I saw in one of her three mirrors I looked in.

Anywho, I have my little fabric sample out and ready to remind me of what all this hard work and dedication is for. To look good in that suit, knowing that I put my heart and soul into this process to take my body to its perfect (or as close to as I am capable) condition.

And there is only 2 months left! Yikes. I mean. There is only 1 month 13 days til show number 1, and there is 1 month and what 29 days til show 2 is over. Holy moly. That is so nerve recking when I say it out loud. But I am ready. I am ready to rock this freight train outta the park.

I can't waite for my next progress pictures because honestly, it seems like I am leaning out more and more every day. And I rocked my workouts today like you wouldn't believe.

My cardio after lifting got upped to 25 minutes today (could it be because I got caught in the peanut butter jar Wed....??? maybe). Rude. But I actually really love my after lifting session because I have the juice to go BIG and go HARD on that stair climber for that short amount of time. I sorta love it when people look at me on there like I am crazy. I am crazy yo!!! I am so crazy it's unreal some days.

I hit some really great poses at the gym tonight too. Back nice and flat with my lats out. I am really most concerned with getting my back pose right, because if it isn't right... it is really just messed up looking and I wont get good judging because of it. So I am practicing, practicing, practicing. Side posing is the easier of the poses and I feel like those are coming along well, especially as my shoulder caps pop out more and more each week.

Happy Friday! I went to a football party sorrounded by all this yuuuummmy football food, but knowing what I am accomplishing at each fueled meal, left me more than satisfied with my protein shake instead. I don't know how this new Teri got here, but I like her and I hope she sticks around for the next 8 weeks. Cuz we got this, and I am gonna rock this show!!

Atleast Something Is Going Right

I made Jared take off his shirt last night and humor with me pictures. He has a meal plan he is supposed to be following, but isn't. So, in order to help me with MY meal plan... he is going to be following his for the next six weeks so we can see how much muscle he can put on. (Note, no he doesn't take steriods... and although he is really, really close to perfect, you can't see his chicken skinny legs in these pictures).Man, my husband is hot. We have been together almost 8 years and he has really always looked this good.

He hates this one, says he looks skinny. Whatever. He looks buff.

Ohhh this boy can do pullups like nobody's business. And it is HOTT!!! His back picture does not do his sexy back justice.

Well, hello tricep.

Mmmmm mmmmm goood. He is one sexy husband and dad. So lucky to have him. So thankful he has helped push and shape me into the new person I am proud to be now.

My show Oct 29th we will take more pics to watch his progress!!!

Guess You Don't Have to Wonder How I am....

Dear Jon,
Hopefully after I write this I can breathe again......... So sorry that I was raised Catholic and I feel the need to repent every time I do something naughty.

I was a bad girl last night. I had rice cakes and grahm crackers with peanut butter on them.

I don't know what the hell was wrong with me, why I kept going back to that damn pantry and getting more after I finished the last one.

Really, really sorry because I know you are puting a lot of time and energy into getting me ready for this, that you aren't getting paid for.

I was 100% on track the first 5 weeks or wahtever until I started grabbing a lil extra nut butter here and there last week. I don't know where my determination and self control went but they were temporarily gone.

Anyway, I spent a good amount of time beating myself up but I think I am done now... unless of course you have somethign you want to add. You have my word that I am done on unauthorized cheats and I am aware that authorized cheats are coming to a close. I am ready. I want to do this. I signed up for it, and I want to give it all I have, I will give it all I have.

I'm not sure what would make me feel better, if you got mad or didn't get mad at me. Either way. Cardio is done, egg whites and 1/4 c oats are almost done and I will do inner and outter thigh tonight before I teach bootcamp.

Thanks for all you do and for putting up with me when I am at my worst................. sorry again!!

Yours truly,

one with more self control than she had yesterday. and ps my legs hurt. bad. bad. bad thanks for that :)

Back Pose

Remember how I told you posing is going to be more than half the battle for me?

Well, today I trained with Big Jon and in between shoulder shrug sets I snuck in a few back poses. Out of the 20 I did, I got 2 right. This is one.

I have the hardest time flexing my lats out while keeping my back flat, not pulling my shoulder blades together. It is ridiculously hard for me to feel the correct position. And more often than not, I can only get it right if someone pushes my blades back together while I flex.

Practice makes perfect so I will keep on keepin on.

I practiced walking in my stripper shoes for a good hour today, making dinner for my family, and another family from our ward. I cleaned the kitchen and vaccuumed all 12oo square feet of my downstairs while dodging my 2 year old playing trucks, (which means he was aiming for my "princess" shoes as my 4 year old calls them... she really, really, really likes these shoes... and she would really, really, really like a pair like them so we can be twins).

So I didn't trip, stumble or fall once so I think I must be getting the hang of 5 inch stripper heels. They sure do make my butt look better and higher when I wear them.

Funny how even though I don't have a monthly cycle anymore because of my IUD, I still feel the hormonal shifts monthly. Where I feel bloated and fat one week out of each month. Well that was last week, (could it have had to do with the peanut butter jar as well?... NAAAAH!!!) and I am suprised at how much leaner I feel I look this week all ready. HALLELUJAH!! It could also have to do with the fact that half my menu got taken away from me too... (1/4 c of my oats (WAAAAH), my rice cake (WAAAAH), broccoli (ah, who cares?!), and my afternoon fruit (meh, not that big a deal)

I texted Big Jon this morning and said, after Nov 19th can I have 3/4 c of oats in the am with my egg whites... cuz I feel like I am just gettin started on my breakfast and it is GONE. Dang the bad luck.

haha, he said yes. WOOOHOOOO!! Love me some plain oats with egg whites. Sound disgusting? Take all sodium out of your diet, eat it for one week and it will taste like pure BLISS!!!

Anyway, training went well today. Cardio is going great, I am lifting heavier. My spark is still lit so I am on fire pushing my body and reminding myself each time I feel tempted to eat something I shouldn't....

"the desire to compete well must be stronger than the desire to eat anything."
and..
"figure athletes do not eat to satisfy, they eat to fuel."

and those two things are getting me through pretty well as of today.

Progressive Pictures

Dear Jon,
Are you working tomorow? If you are, I need to find a babysitter and train (Again) this week with you.

Why, yes he was working. He has a few wives. The beautiful Shawna, the gym and all us girls who compete.

I needed some time with Big Jon today. I was jumping out of my skin this week again. I was not supposed to be weighing myself, which for some reason translates into "Teri, go ahead and cheat on peanut butter twice a day. No one will know. You can't step on the scale."

Uhhhhh... hello idiot?

You know. And the guilt is overwhelming. It feels like a tight rope inching closer and closer to the middle of my throat and at any given time it could just cut my breathing off altogether and I could potentially die of suffocation all because of some freakin peanut butter.

Really?! Is it that good? Do I love it that much? Is it worth feeling the suffocating? Is it worth the guilt? Is it worth worrying I won't be ready because I can't keep the dang spoon out of the jar?

No, you are right-- it isn't.

Thank goodness Big Jon had time for me today. I went in, practiced posing for 45 long minutes. Posing seems like it would be the easy part of the whole training regimin maybe. But, it is not. The goal is to look natural, buff, and beautiful all at the same time... while in a small swimming suit with tall heels.

Not much about that sentence is "natural" for me. But I can practice and I can get better. I will practice and I will get better.

I was sad to report that my weight is up 2 lbs from last week (Jon didn't care, but I did because I know the 2 lbs is from the dang peanut butter jar). My body fat however (most important number) is down from 15% to 13%.

I needed to hear that number. I needed it like a mom needs to hear a crying baby after child birth. I needed it like a diabetic needs insulin. It has been a flat week, workouts feeling blah, diet not so great (first cheat unapproved since August 1), and since my kids have been sick... I feel my body thinking about it as well. Even though I kindly tell my body everyday it is healthy and strong and it feels AWESOME! Dude, I need a hair cut. Side note.

Jon is happy with my progress pictures, happy with my body fat percentage, not too angry with my cheats, or atleast he didn't seem too angry. Although he DID change my diet this week, so I don't know maybe he was more angry than he let on.

Back pose is hardest for me. The goal is to have my lats pushed out, while having my shoulder blades flat, not pulled together like in the picture to the left. You wouldn't believe how difficult of a process this is for me. Especially while trying to remember to suck my stomach in, push my butt out, hold my heels together, and hold my hands in the specific spot. It's like, SO many things to remember. I'll get it. I'll keep practicing.

Front pose is probably the easiest and most natural pose for me. I can remember it fairly well and seem to do it right most of the time. It is amazing how much goes into each pose. I have basically only 7 to remember and they are all mirrors of each other (front and back), (left side, right side), (resting left, resting right), and (Curtsy). The curtsy is perhaps the most fun because I get to engage my sassy attititude in it. I also have to remember how to walk sexy, but not too sexy, and not too fast.

I practiced posing for my hubs after my cheat meal at Olive Garden tonight. (Last cheat for two weeks.... wowzers!) He was impressed. It is nice to hear him say how good I look and how happy and proud he is of me. I feel like it has been a long time coming for me to look like I deserve that hot sexy hunk of a man who married me.... so his support means a lot. And the recongnition that I have worked my booty (literally) off.

Did I mention I am eating fish every day for dinner now? That is one of the changes effective or is it affective? I don't know. Anyway, starts tomorow. Wow, I am not a big fish person so this shall be interesting. But I am 7 weeks away, which is 42 days. That is not a lot of time to finish opperation make Teri a figure competitor.

So I really feel the burn this weekend. I feel ready to buckle down, tighten up the belt and rock this like a hurricane. I am ready to eat a little stricter, lift a little heavier, and cardio train a little harder. I am ready for this. I saw a comment once from another competitor that said "Your desire to compete well must be stronger than the desire to eat any ______whatever food."

My desire was there the first six weeks I had no cheating, and after a rocky week, my desire is back-- stronger and more determined than ever. Nothing is going to stand in my way of being my personal best on that stage Oct. 29th or Nov. 19th.

Rest day tomorow, and Monday it is hit is hard baby. Come jump on the train with me or back the heck off the tracks baby!!!

Advice

Ok, I know you are reading this. I have a counter on the side, see?!

I just need a little help from my bloggy friends. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you live, I don't care if I used to know you, know you now, or never heard of you. Sister needs some up front advice.


Remember that rant I posted like a month ago about people not being supportive and talking negatively behind my back? Well, the same person continues to do this. I see them every day, not because I want to, but because of my schedule. And every day they say in the most annoying chipperest voice you have ever heard.... "hi Teri, how are ya?!?!?!" or "Ahhhh, you look pretty today!"

I have gone out of my way to replace the negative thoughts I have in my head when I think of this person. I mean, I have prayed diligently to have the strength to be loving and kind and to turn my cheek. BUT today, they were talking trash in front of me... ya I have my ear buds in, but I can still hear and see you!!!!

So my question is, am I doing the honorable, Christ like thing by being polite each time this fakey fake person says hi? Or am I being a pushover and I need to just lay it out there like "I know you don't like me, I have heard from three people you are talking negatively behind my back, so please stop pretending to be my friend."

What would you do? I know there are negative people in the world, I know there are going to be people who don't like me, or that I don't like. I am ok with that. But I just don't understand this little nice to my face, horrible behind my back thing. I just don't get it, and if it didn't hurt my feelings, I know I wouldn't care. But it does and as I have gone from being extremely mad, to sad, to mad again... I really want to just call em out and get it over with so I can stop worrying about it.

Ok, now please hit that little button below that says comment, and tell me... what would you do?!

Oh by the way, today is cardio only. 1 hr on the stair climber and I just have to tell you... I pretty much rocked that stair mill's world.

Your Always Good

I was running late to teach my bootcamp last night, (which means I was there 10 minutes early not my usual 20 minutes) and I stopped to use the ladies room. Seeing one of my usual bootcampers I asked her how she was and she asked me. I told her I was good.

She said "You're always good."

I thought to myself, I guess she is right. I usually am always good. I don't have much to complain about in life. I am on an exciting adventure of becomming a figure competitor, I have a great husband and kids, beautiful-comfortable home, good extended family, food and water. My basic and most important needs are met. I AM good.

I also thought, she must not read my blog because all I do on that is whine. Well, I need to let you in on the excitement of training too! It isn't all crappy and hard. Well, most of it isn't crappy or hard.

Training is intense. 2 workouts a day, and then teaching on top twice a week makes for a busy workout/gym week. But during those training sessions are the few times a week I get to devote to ME and me only. I am a wife and a mom first every where else besides at the gym doing MY thing. I have gotten up at 645 am this week to do my morning fasted cardio. My kids wake up in the middle and I chit chat with them a bit, but mostly they watch cartoons and I sweat buckets climbing hills faster or slower. It is my time to focus on myself. On the things I am interested in, the things that bother me, the muscle tone that is coming in so nicely. It is like other peoples meditation time I guess. My workout time is all about ME.

I can not begin to tell you the enjoyment I get from the sweat pouring down my head, chest, legs. I love it. I am exhilerated and am able to push further with the first accumulation of sweat. I love wiping my shoulder blades of the sweat bubbles. I love to sweat. I love to push my body to go faster, higher, harder, heavier. I love that no one can take credit for my workout but me. I love that I am the one to take the credit if I did a set of 20# dumb bell flies, or when I finish 500 ab moves. That's all me baby. Me and my body workin it, pushing to my edge.

The diet. It's hard to stay on track I am not going to lie. Diet has always been the hardest part of the equation for this gurl. You know what rocks though? Looking in the mirror and seeing my ab muscles start to poke through, looking down during leg extensions seeing my quads wanting to rip out the top of my leg. You know why my muscle looks like that? Because I am eating to FUEL, not for the pleasure I have always done before. The food does taste good, it gets a little old-- but it is what it takes to push my body to the next level. And I am so thankful I get to experience what it FEELS like to have a healthy body inside and out.

Some may say this is extreme, and I am likely to agree with you. But I am also likely to tell you this is the biggest growing experience I have had in a while, I am pushed so far out of my comfort zone I could kick the next hot chick I see in the butt. I am no longer seeing EVERY girl thinking, "I wish I looked like her," I am seeing myself and saying "I can't believe I look like this."

It is a process of determination, hard work, and diligence. Nothing comes over night. I have heard people say we are what we repeatedly do, therefore excellence is a habit... or something like that. I have been putting in every ounce of energy and sometimes more than I feel like I have to get through this journey. I have dedicated the next two months to being really more about me than anyone else. It feels good. I can't believe what my body can do, and I can not stress enough how mental this game is. You have to choose, and then force your actions to adhere to what you have chosen.

If it were easy, to be fit and healthy... everyone would be. It is not. It is sacrificing, it is a constant decision, and even a constant battle against the unhealthy world to make this your life. But it is worth it to look in the mirror and like what you see, to know that you are as least likely as humanly possible to get a disease or a cancer caused by an unhealthy lifestyle, to know that if you see something you want to try--physically--you more than likely can do it.

Like everything in life, you can choose to make it a dreaded part of your day. The gym, the diet. Or you can make it the best, most celebrated part. I know which will get your further. We don't HAVE to exercise and choose healthy food, we GET to. Now go start living THAT life, and do it the very best YOU can.

Quote

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

Sunday

Today is Sunday, the day I pack up my kids and husband (usually) and go to church for three hours. I do not workout on Sundays. I may occasionally go for a easy walk by myself or with the kids... but nothing streneous. Sunday is for resting at my house.

Well my almost 4 year old got new shoes yesterday and she wanted to try em out today (of course she runs faster in these ones), so since my hubs is on shift, I took the two kiddos for a little walk. Careful to remember my keys so that we wouldn't be locked out of the house if the garage opener didn't work again.

Ya, about that. Apparently I don't have a house key on my key ring.

So we chilled outside for a while and then caught a ride to my husbands truck to pick up the garage door opener and got back home safe and sound. Got ready for church and made it. No tramatic crying sessions.

I have been back on track with my eating plan, I might have had a couple extra licks of almond butter, unless Big Jon is reading this... and then I did no such thing.

I was ready to hop back on my wagon of healthy eating today. Yesterday was a good rest, I ate a lot of good stuff... but I did really feel sick from it. I didn't even really eat THAT much, I know my body has just gotten out of the habit of having junk, and it doesn't like junk anymore. Which is great. If I could take my mind compeletly out of the equation I have no doubt I could eat competitor style the rest of my life, I know my body would like it more.

Training early tomorow with Big Jon. Then I am sure I will have some unheavenly amount of stairs to climb, and my treadmill will be here for fasted cardio Tuesday morning (unless my husband never wants any lovin again from me..... and then it might be later haha)

Anyway, just a random date from lil ol me... figure competitor in training. It's a work in progress and every day I get a little closer and a little better hopefully.

Hope your Sunday has nourished you spiritually like mine has.

Make it a great week!

BooYah Stair Climber

(Please keep reading to appreciate why I have this side view of my glutes included in this post hahah)

Ya that's right.

It's me, the ol cussing crazy momma of two who kicked the crap out of my stair mill this morning.

After I threw in some heavy lifting shiz.

I mean I freaking busted a damn move. All because I recognized my feelings, I let them be ok, I found some solutions, and I changed my attitude. (holla, Amy!!!)

I don't have to do this. I get to. And I love it.

I love lifting heavy crap. I think I might start strong woman competing after this (is that a sport) because I just feel so damn cool lifting heavy crap at the gym. (Just kidding, I am not going to start that or invent it, but I do really love lifting heavy stuff)

My personal favorite was my last lift today assigned as 3 sets of 10 bicep curls. Then 2x40 drop sets bicep curls.

Dude I rocked that like nobodys biznass. I freaking lifted 40 lbs for 3 sets of 1o. Then I got a 50# bar, 40#, 30#, 20# and on my last set I had to drop to 2, 8# dumbells to finish the set. I mean it was heavier than I have ever lifted.

Then I made peace with the stairclimber, who is prolly gonna miss all the use I give it. I hope my glutes don't miss it TOO much, cuz I took a picture in my new stripper heels yesterday with my regular suit pulled up high like my figure one will be... and I am not gonna lie. This girls glutes kick the crap out of (most of) those girls glutes at the show I was just at.

I mean, the side view is pretty vulumptious for the reals. Ahh what the hell, I think I'll add the picture so you can appreciate it too haha.

Cheat meal today, got turned into cheat afternoon by my beloved trainer and my pizza lunch was heaven. Soo good. Tried not to hurt my stomach too bad overfilling it, and I have to say, I think I did pretty well........

I love working it!!! Lift heavy crap if you aren't already. You will fall in love. Sisters in Iron as one a my girls says. I love it. Sisters in Iron baby!!!

Support Systems

I have said it before and I will say it again, having a support system of people you love, and who love you makes a big difference in accomplishing, or not accomplishing your goals.

I was up and had my kiddos both in tow by 8 am, to get to the club for an hour of fasted cardio on the dreaded stair mill. I secretly hope every.single.time I get to the gym someone, anyone will be on the stairs and I will have to walk on an incline until they get off. Ever since I have started wishing this, of course... no one else wants to use my damn climber. What's their problem? I feel like walking around and asking people if they'd like to use it for a quick session. But.I.do.not.do.that.fyi.

I finished a less than stellar performance on the climber, went down to pick up kids from daycare, to be greeted by "Your precious baby girl said she hates us today" from my beloved daycare ladies. Really, we don't even allow the word hate to be used at our house. Thank you, preschool? Maybe, who knows. So I pull out my mom card and make her understand that isn't ok, and she must say sorry. After about 10 minutes and as much encouragement about how brave and good she is for doing the right thing and apologizing for hurting their hearts, she apologizes and we head to the car.

Really? Why? My girl is so sweet, never a problem. Really, she is one of the best behaved children I know. My baby boy 2 year old, on the other hand. Terror.

Anyway, so we come home and I am eating, showering, and waiting for my friends kids to come over so I can watch them while she trains-- then she is watching my kids while I lift with Big Jon. Cancellation. Wont work, life happens and I had to revamp. I had already revamped from the original sitter situation. Then I was scrambeling. Thank goodness my cousin was willing and able to take my kiddos so I could accomplish today's training.

I started crying outside and inside. I am exhausted. I am drained. I am not having fun, I am not "enjoying this process." I have stress up to my friggin eyeballs and I want to quit. I am sick of tosseling my kids from one place to the next, sick of thinking 24-7 about how I am going to accomplish the next session of training.

I call the 3 people I know will tell me like it is and converse with them on whether I am just wigging out or if I really need to quit.

All of them say. You have to make the choice, pray about it. You will know.

Damnit. I know I will know. I don't want to know I want someone to tell me what to do.

I will be so embarrassed if I can't finish this competition. I have told, like, everyone what I am doing. I have worked my butt off for 32 days. I am 1/3rd of the way there. Will I regret doing this later, or will I regret not doing this later?

My poor trainer. I show up, pisssed. Don't want to workout. I would rather whine and cry. So he makes me lift friggin I dunno what they are called, tripple sets? What the crap? I whine the whole time anyway. Not about the lifting. I love the lifting. I love lifting heavy crap. I definitly could push heavier weights because I was just so mad and frusterated.

He had a lot of words of wisdom. He is a wise man, I have a testimony of Big Jon. In addition to his big muscles he also has brains and a background in psycholgy which helps him deal with crazy people like... ME.

First he says I am normal. Everyone is sorta wigging out at this point. Then he says I look really good for 8 weeks out. I am leaner, he doesn't care about my weight... staying steady at 130.7 ish. He understands I can't do fasted cardio everyday. I will regret it if I quit. He knows I am capable of doing this and I need to just chill or my gains are going to be harder to come by. Stress is no good for the body. Oh ya, he asks me to start tanning a little. Don't judge. I love tanning and I love him for asking me to do it.

I broke the news that I have drank a diet soda every day but one this week. He said, that's ok. I broke the news that I eat a banana with peanut butter every cheat meal in addition to tacos and chips and salsa or whatever my meal is. He said, that's ok.

He told me what he eats for his cheat meals and I feel like that jacker has been holdin out on me!!! Guess what this girl gets tomorrow?! Idaho Pizza yo. And I am gonna looooooove on it like nobody's bizness. And then, I will also drink a diet dr pepper, and then I will also eat atleast 1 banana, maybe even 2 with peanut butter and chopped walnuts.

That's what is getting me through. That piece of heaven of dinner I get tomorow. Y to the um I can not freaking waite til tomorow.

As I am on my way home I think, what if I could borrow my moms treddy mill and do fasted cardio every single day first thing in the morning and stop having to go to the gym 2x or 3x a day sometimes? What the heck, can't hurt to ask.

"in your situation, that's a great idea."

And the heavens poured down blessings on me because I can breathe again!!! This lightens my stress load by like a million millimeters, my mom is willing to share. And I can stop this freaking out every, single day about when and how I am going to get in all my training. Thank you Lord!!

I have to break the news to my man tonight that I need him to get some help to get that treddy over here, and pronto. But I think he will be totally fine with it when he realizes just how much easier this is going to make my life.

All I could think since my trainging session is how mad at myself I'd be in 10 years if I quit now. I will always wonder if I could have done it, if I could have won, if I could have looked like some ghetto faboulousness on stage. I will always wonder what the end result would have been. And I have to say, I am just not ok with living that way..... so I will focus in on the next two months. It is only two months and I know that I can do this. I know I can be a good mom, wife, daughter, and friend. I know I can put myself first for the next 2 months in order to fullfill this once in a lifetime journey.

I am strong, I am capable, and I am going to rock the rest of this journey with my head held high. I can, and so can you. Accomplish hard things. We can conquer. What are you conquering today?

Really Great Post from my Trainer- Big Jon

Have you ever seen a really impressive "before" and "after" photo on a weight loss product?

Well, there's something that the diet industry doesn't want you to know. There is more involved than just the diet product, and it's the same across the board. Look into the eyes of any person in their "before" picture and you'll see that they are deeply disturbed. The body they have is no longer in sync with the body they are able to accept. They changed the body that they accept, and became disturbed. Now look into their eyes in the "after" picture – see the sweet satisfaction? They now live in the body that they decided they could accept. What an amazing feeling that is. Why are you still living life in your "before" body? Sure, you have obstacles that get in your way – your schedule, your job, your kids, the weather, your knee injury from college…but ultimately you have the body that you accept. I'm going to repeat that so it will really sink in. You have the body that you accept. Transform from "Before" to "After"You may not realize it, but you already posses everything you need to transform your body, and it all starts with taking responsibility for the body that you have today. You are in your current shape because, until this moment, you've been OK with it. Oh I know you aren't thrilled with it, and you even talk about losing weight and getting fit - but you haven't changed what you'll accept. Here's how to transform your body in 3 steps: Step One: Feel DisturbedIt has been said that emotion creates motion. This is essential when it comes to personal transformation. Just like those folks in the "before" pictures, to transform your body you must first decide that you can't live another day in the body you currently have. Get your emotions stirred up. Make a list of all the reasons that you're ready to lose weight and get fit. Get disturbed. Step Two: Decide What You WantWithout clarity you'll never get where you want to go. Now that you're disturbed with the body you have, decide what the body you can accept looks like. Think in concrete and specific terms. Just like the captions under ‘before" and "after" pictures - "Shannon lost 50 lbs," "Matt lost 8 inches from his waist," "Catherine went from a size 20 to a size 4." Get a clear picture in your mind of what you'll look like in your "after" picture and decide what the caption will read. Step Three: Take ActionThe time spent between your inspiration (now) and taking action determines whether you will succeed or fail. Don't allow yourself to get stuck between inspiration and action - there is always something that you can do immediately. Take action by emailing or calling me now to set up a fitness consultation. I am here to take you from your "before" picture to your "after" picture. What will your "after" caption read?

Cravings

Do not go away, apparently. I have been told.

So today, while I was at Maverick, emotional obviously. Because I am an emotional eater. I seriously considered stealing doughnuts, cookies, these pizza bread things, but suprisingly, to tell you the truth... the candy didn't entice me too much. It was all those yummy processed carbs.

It has been a rough day. It seems like I am having more and more rough days which concerns me because I have 81 days of prep left. And while I know that it is going to be here in a blink of an eye, and I wont believe how fast it will have gone by... in these moments of despair, of anger, of sadness, of feeling misunderstood... the time is going by slow.

I have made a plan for post show. It is like this. Nov 20th eat whatever I want all day long. Probably feel really sick. Nov 21st come home and make lots of different types of cookies, that I might share with neighbors or Jared's co workers. And then Nov 22nd, I will eat strictly on my plan again, through thanksgiving (indulging there obviously) and after 1 week I will re evaluate with Big Jon how my eating should look.

For now, I am dreaming about cookies. Oatmeal chocolate chip, chocolate chip, pumpkin chocolate chip, and sugar with cream cheese frosting.

I have been thinking about them all day and I hope to stop very soon. Because they are making my moods more sharp and are making my stomach hurt thinking about them.

2 A days

After Saturday's freak out session I told my husband that any day possible, I will be getting up to do my cardio fasted and then going back to the gym later for my lifting. Better fat burning. I wont be able to accomplish this everyday, but when it works, I will take advantage.

Good thing I was ready because when I got my workout emailed to me it said "1 hr, fasted cardio"

Welp. That went well. Those stairs kill me everytime I am not going to lie. And I could only push out about half my usual exertion levels that early and that hungry. But I made it through and then headed back for round 2 to do my heavy lifting.

One of the girls came up and said she can't believe how much my body has changed so quickly. "Well, thank you!" It is hard to see progress in ourselves, because we see ourselves every day... and pictures only come every few weeks. I could do more often but honestly, I am too lazy and I spend a lot of time alone with my two kids because of my husbands new career and the side jobs he works to keep us financially a float. So thankful for his willingness to work so hard, I wish it weren't this way and am looking foward to the future when we can really have him working less and home more.

Lifting was good. I am getting much stronger and am starting to lift heavier weights. I am almost rid of those 15 lb dumb bells on my sets and I couldn't be happier to say good bye because it seems like the only 2 sets we have, are constantly being used. I have to ask to share with people, or waite to use them and honestly, it gets super annoying. I just want to get in and get out and I don't want more rest than I need between sets.

Showering at the gym today was interesting. I was there later than I usually am due to 2 a days and my almost 4 year olds new preschool schedule. So, the locker room was full of older ladies and lots of nakedness. I have said it before and Ill say it again a lot of nakedness freaks me out. I do not enjoy being naked anywhere but in my own bedroom and I wish more other people felt that way too. But they do not, but I will say when I am in a hurry I am thinking less about my own nakedness and more about getting the heck outta there to pick up my almost 2 year old from the daycare.

Bought a bunch a chicken breasts on sale today. And a sugar cookie for my kids. It is sorta weird how everytime I give/buy them something I literally CAN NOT have, I feel like freaking wonderwoman cutting/serving it to them knowing full well there aint a chance in heck that I will succomb to eating it. But I sorta think it's a little crazy that I am still feeding them this crap that I know they don't need. I don't want them to feel deprived because I am in contest prep so I maybe over compensate by giving them stuff I wouldn't usually think twice about. That is sorta crazy now that I think more about it.

Anyway, since I am deprived, they should have more. Who knows that is nuts... I'll get it figured out one of these days.

In the mean time, I have 13 minutes before my next meal so I want to go get it ready so I can eat exactly at 2pm. I am hungry.

Happy Monday!

Sleep

I am in training, it is 10:30 pm and I should be sleeping. I have been up since 4 am, with a stubborn 2 year old boy......

I went to a show today. I was feeling so ok after it. I did my training, an extra 5 minutes on my stair climber that I used to hate but love now because it better make my butt look better than theirs did today.

And then I started wigging out. I have been freaking out, like almost having a panick attack since 9. I don't know if my hubby is going to make it to my show due to his new job... I may be doing a show 2 weeks early as well as Nov. 19th to just check it out and hopefully get prejitters out. He might not be able to come to that either.

I am spending a butt load of money that I don't really have to do this. I have all 4 of our birthdays between now and my real show in Washington Nov. 19th.

I feel like crap from my treat/cheat meal at lunch today. My stomach is bloated. I feel like a fat cow and I am FUUUUREAKING out that my body isn't going to be ready and I have my ducks in a row and I am going to be disappointed and I can't sleep, can barely breathe I just cant chill the heck out.

First Show Viewing

A girlfriend and I had a girls day today!

Oh my fun.

Out of the house, no kiddos, half my workout done by 845 am.... cheat meal (steak tacos, chips and salsa... then banana pieces with walnuts and peanut butter.... seriously best dessert ever!!!!) at noon. It was great!

We went to the Boise NGA show. They had bikini (wow), figure short (5'4 and under) figure tall (5'4 over) figure novice (younger I guess) and figure something else that I think meant older.

Then boys bodbuiliding which I wasn't as in to. I was there to see the ladiez. Which is kinda weird as I type it. But truth it is. And fyi, the boys did look good too. Not as good as my man of course!!!

The girls looked really good. And I have an extreme amount of respect for the prep work that goes into a show. Some looked AMAZING, and some looked mediocre... however I am sure each worked super duper hard to get on that stage.

Nerves played a big role, and probably carbohydrate shortage played a big role. Some were really shakey and their poses weren't really good. (This was just prejudging, I guess I still don't know what an actual show looks like).

I had my bets on winners and a couple girls I wondered why they were on stage. Not to be rude, because they did look confident and it does take so much courage to stand in a small suit on a big stage in front of any audience but they really didn't have business being there.

The thought crossed my mind, that I really could possibly be one of those girls. My stomach IS covered in stretch marks, my butt does have dimples all below my cheeks. My legs do jiggle when I walk. It is very possible that I could bust my ass for the next 3 months and my body could just not do what it is supposed to do.

It will not be because my trainer does not know what he is doing. I honestly feel like I am in the best hands possible. I highly recommend him and respect him and his wife a great deal. He knows his stuff, he knows what to do, and I will continue to follow his guidelines to the T. I will not not be ready because I didn't follow a workout, or because I missed a stair climbing day, or because I cheated on my nutrition. If I am 2 weeks out and my stomach is saggy, and my butt has dimples all over it. I will pull out. Period. End of story.

I will work my ass like it has never been worked for the next 2 months and 24 daysish. AND I will evaluate with the expertise of Big Jon, and my hubbers --if my body does not look like it will belong on a stage of figure competitiors it will not stand on stage with competitors and I will not be ashamed of pulling out at that point. I do not need to stand on a stage to write a story for myself, to make a name. I do not need to have a judge tell me my stomach is not tight enough or my butt is too jiggly, if in fact it is.

And I will be ok with it. I will.

I have less than three months to get my body to its peak. The absolute best it has ever ran, looked, and felt. If it is ready, we will show Olympia what this Mama has to show. And otherwise, I will take a trip to Seattle and watch a show, or who knows-- maybe just stay home and play for the weekend. And life will go on like any other ol day and I will feel satisfied with giving my absolute all to this cause.

And if I am ready. If my body responds correctly I am gonna rock that friggin stage like nobody's bizness. I will pose, I will practice walking, I will strut what my momma gave me because this is a butt load of work and I will smile my pearly whites on the day that my body looks like it belongs on a stage in a small swim suit.

Swimsuit colors. My next item to discuss. There were a lot of teals, and a lot of purples. Jared voted for bright yellow. But my tan will come off on that so I have to have a darker color. I am thinking grassy green color, or coral color. Less jewels than more, I thought they were distracting. Hair definitly will stay dark and short, possibly shorter than now (pending Amy agrees with me of course) I thought the shorter hair girls had less work to do to show their definition and it didn't distract from their physiques. Don't know about jewlery. Some girls had really pretty rhinestones bracelets that were shiney and flashy and pretty. No tattoos (obviously) No belly button rings (duh) Not too much tan, just enough. My glass slippers (5 inch yo) are on order, and I shall be walking in those as much as possible to get confortable moving, turning, and standing in those. I haven't worn much for heels since pre baby.

Well, that's my assesment of the day. It was good. Good eye opener. Good to just take it all in and evaluate how I feel about it all. May be more to come. But for now, that is all!!

Some iron and a stair climber are callin my name so I am gona go get my gym jam bag packed and ready.

Dear You,

Have you ever walked into a store and looked at the very first thing you saw... realizing it had horizontal stripes on it-- and if you wanted to, you could wear it looking good?

Have you ever looked through a sales rack and been able to buy almost anything you wanted because there are so many smalls on clearance?

Have you ever looked at clearance bikinis and thought, "I could wear that, that or that?"

Have you ever picked out a whole outfit and bought it with out trying it on? Because, you know that you can in fact wear just about anything?

Have you ever regretted eating chicken, brown rice and broccoli for lunch everyday for 4 weeks?

I can say yes to all of these things today. The last one, the chicken thing... I decided today, at the store, that I don't regret. The food I am eating is fuel for my body, it fills the void as I heard my incredibly smart Aunt say one time.

For the first time in 25 years, and I am not exagerating, I have walked in and out of a store knowing that I can wear absolutly anything I want and it will more than likely look good on my body. The color may not be good, the style may not be good, but it will fit. And a small or medium will for sure fit. I have cried in dressing rooms, I have left determined to starve myself to lose weight, I have tried on 30 pairs of jeans and not found one pair that complimented my figure in my lifetime.

I am not saying this to be conceited, or egotistical. This is the product of intense training and nutrition that fuels my body. I have hard days, obviously, see yesterdays post. But today is a good day. Where I feel so grateful that I have been lead to people who have helped me look the way I have never thought possible to look, and where I feel as beautiful on the outside as I have always on the inside.

So yes, I do get bored of eggs, chicken, spinach and protein shakes. I do get bored, AND terribly angry at the stupid stair climber. But I do not get bored of seeing my husband get a grin when someone says "whose wife is that?" at his new job. I do not get bored of knowing I can wear horizontal stripes on a shirt. I do not get bored of knowing I can wear a two piece if and when I feel like it. I do not get bored of being able to outlift half the guys at my gym. I do not get bored of feeling good in the skin the good Lord gave me. I do not get bored of hearing my baby girl say "Mommy, you have big muscles."

I posted a quote last week on facebook, that I think is so true. So important for YOU to get. For YOU to understand. YOU can be whoever you CHOOSE to be. CHOOSE health, CHOOSE to be strong, and fit. CHOOSE to experience the best your body can be. And, if you need help or guidance, let me know.... I have some paying it foward to do!!

No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training… what a disgrace it is for a man to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable." - Socrates

Emotional Coaster

I asked Big Jon today, if it is easy for him, the diet. I said "Do you just not think about food. Is it just fuel for you, and no emotions are tied to it."

He shook his head "yep."

Cuz I have texted him atleast 10 times this week saying one of these things...
"I want to chop my own arm off and eat it."
"I know I am only supposed to have 1 diet drink everyother day, and I am drinking my second right now. I can't stop"
"I want to lick my sons face, it is covered in ice cream"
"These fat people eating all this food at the fair are killing me"
"Are you sure there is no peanut butter in my diet?"

And then there were thoughts like these, that went unsaid...
"I am a stupid motha f$@$#% why did I tell people I am doing a figure show, now I can't back out. I don't want to back out, I want to do this. I don't want to be such a biotch though. I want to eat those oreos, bread, cake, cookies. And that peanut butter, and those bananas. I have to quit. I can't keep going, this is tooooo hard. I hate it. If it isn't fun I shouldn't be doing it. If I am being such a grump, my kids are going to hate me. What if someone die tomorow and I have been grumpy with them today, and that is how I will remember my last time with them. What if I die and all they remember is I am a grumpy mom? It's only 3 more months, I can do this. I can be happy. I can be nice. Then why am I so annoyed AGAIN? Why, why can't he stop crying or fussing at me. How many minutes on the stairs tomorow. DAMN I just want to be fat again. I want to eat oatmeal, right now. With blueberries, Take that Jon!!! Damn him. Damn me paying him money and now I am stuck. Better not order my shoes, I will prolly back out cuz this is TOOO hard. Better order my shoes before I back out. I want to look like this, I want to look better. Well then idiot, you have to eat like this. I don't want to eat like this. I am not hungry, what's the problem then? Why are you whining when you aren't hungry? I don't want to work out anymore either. I hate that friggin stair climber. I do like when people think I am cool for being on it though. I do like it when people notice I look better, I do like noticing I do look better. What's my weight? I don't friggin know I am only supposed to weigh two times a week and I am trying to waite til Friday but that makes me super annoyed so why am I such a goodie two shoes and doing everything exactly the way it is written? Because I want to look like I belong on stage, because I want to look better than most the other girls. Because I want to go big or go home. Those are my words. Why am I not living up to them? Why can't I just go on a mini vacation, why would I want a mini vacation when I can't eat junk food the whole time? Why do people go on vacation if they can't eat junk. Why does my life center around food. What the hell is wrong with me?"

In case you wondered what I have been thinking that is it. I went to facebook looking for some feedback. A couple girls I have become friends with have done or are doing shoes. And they are amazing and I don't remember ever hearing them whine. They gave me little pep talks that helped. It is nice to have some positive reinforcement. I just had a yumym dinner, 4 oz chicken seasoned super yummy. spinach salad and 1 cup of asparagus with olive oil and mustard. It was soo good. I want it again right now, but I get some eggs soon. Those will be good too.

I want to do this show. I want to prove to myself that I am capable. I want to look that good. I want to have a crazy a dark fake tan, fake nails, a small suit and big muscles. I WANT THIS. I want it, so I need to shut the heck up and think about how good it is going to feel to get up on that stage, a new person from the old me. I am ready to play nice again, to be positive and loving and to remind the people I love that I love them, and to act like it.

I hope tomorow is better than today, and Friday is better, and Saturday will be rocking because I have a girls day planned and a cheat meal too so it is gonna be great.

I got this. GO big or GO home. Nobody is holding me back, but me. It's all about me yo.

Interesting, This was my post almost exactly 6 months ago. My how time changes, quickly

http://poundpinching2010.blogspot.com/2011/02/please-forgive-jumble.html

Breath Taking

So I have been on my supplements for 3 weeks now. (50 mg caffiene pre workout, 5 grams glutamine and BCAA's).

And, I have this annoying, annoying, annoying problem that I keep sorta gasping for air. I yawn five million times a day, and approximately every 4 yawns, I get a successful one and a deep glorious fresh breath comes in and makes my body feel euphoric.

My hubby says it is the caffiene. I stop caffiene, 3 days. I still have this breathing issue. I have it all through my workout, all through my day, if I am laying in bed reading... I am still having this darn oxygen issue.

Me being me, asked a million people what could this be. A million answers. I decided to go see a dr, the one I have always seen before when I had health insurance, and the one I see now that it is back. Yay for hubby's new job.

Dr thinks, it is the BCAA's. Too much for my (personally) kidneys to handle and so it is screwing with the acididity of my stomach... then he went into a bunch of words/reasonings that were WAY over my head. Story short, we did blood work. If it is what he suspects, I need to reduce or cut the BCAA's and go from there. Blood work should be back in a couple of days. I also received a tentanus shot for good measure and will find out my cholestrol numbers too. Yay for physicals.

Today is day 2 of getting my butt out of bed before 530 am to get my workout in before I have to drag the kids to daycare. It has been nice getting it out of the way and having time to do things with the kids, like taking them to the park and listening to my 2 year old, Bubba, scream and cry the whole way home from 15 minutes away because he wants to hold his orange drink in my car.

That boy tests me like no other. The thought crossed my mind atleast 5 times to beat him. Though, I figured he'd cry more and I'd feel bad so I just turned the music off and listened to him. My little bug (4 year old almost) was getting so mad at him she told him, and got in trouble for saying "shut your mouth Bubba." Funny, really. I was thinking the same thing.

Balancing act is beginning. Figuring out time to get my workout in, spend time with the kids, husband, husbands new job, pre school, family and friends events, that I don't want to miss out on but feel like if I have one more freaking temptation shoved in my face I might either kill someone, or eat a whole damn cake.

Just kidding, haven't cheated yet-- except for the designated cheat meals that I am given one time a week. I am looking foward to my next but have to admit that it is very hard to make a decision on what to eat, when I am given the choice of anything sans a couple choices. And it is also very hard to drink my protein shake at the end of the day after that cheat when I think I should have a graham cracker and peanut butter instead.

I was telling someone today, it really isn't the cake and ice cream I miss. Though, those do sound good too, and I will be eating plenty of that immediatly following my show. It is just the greek yogurt, tomatoe's and cucumber salad, berries in my oats. Really, it's the healthy stuff so I think that is a good sign for my post competition worries.

Progress Baby

Guess what?! Monday was progress day. Don't tell my hubby though, because he thinks progress day is Friday. Yes I lied to him, no I don't like lying to him. It's for a good cause. It's my cover for his surprise graduation party on Friday. Don't tell, or I will call the cops. hahahaha get it, call the cops? Hilarious.
Anywho. This is me baby!! Sorry they are so small. I am technology illiterate and I do not know how to fix this so please squint if you really care.Back pose. It is time for me to start posing. My poses are very different and I do not know what I am doing with them. I do not want to look like that on stage. So my shoes need to get her ASAP and I need to practice. Anyone want to watch me pose? I need practice in a bikini in front of people. I am thinking Wal Mart. People wear less than this at Wal Mart all the time.
Just kidding.

Side poses. Big Jon is happy with progress. I am down 1.3% body fat sitting at 15% now. My leg definition is coming in better, and the arms are much leaner. He says once I learn to pose better, I will be able to present my body better and that will also show off more definition.

The stomach is where it is at. It is shrinking. Take that dr who told me I am an excellent candidate for a tummy tuck!!!I am gonna shrink that damn stomach so far and then I am going to mail you a picture of it and say BAM BIOTCH. I do not need a tummy tuck and neither do half your patients. They need Big Jon to give em a diet and a training program. In all seriousness, isn't it amazing what we can make our bodies do? Do you see my starting picture up to the right. That was me, Christmas 2009. Not even two years ago. We can decide what we want to look like. We just have to be willing do be diligent, sweat, and exercise self control. (not that it is just that easy) but it takes practice.

We will all fall down, and find ourselves in the bottom of a cookie bag, or peanut butter jar from time to time. But that is natural. Set backs come, it is the difference of dusting ourselves off, and starting again. Remembering that WE are worth the time that it takes to sculpt our bodies into the beautiful piece of art they were meant to be.

What are you doing TODAY to sculpt yourself into the person you were meant to become? Physical, Spiritual, or Mental. I don't care. Let me hear it.

Just a little Eye Candy....

of me!!!
Haha My back muscles are coming in!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheater

So glad I am the new Teri who doesn't go crazy and eat like a freak when she has emotions like :happiness, sadness, anger, frustration or any other feeling.

The new Teri just gets mad and writes mean blogs. Then she stews about it for a bit, and eventually she gets over it. The new Teri also likes to workout after angering events in her life happen, but unfortunatly my body didn't have juice for another 2 hour workout so I called it a day.

I got the loving words from my trainer today again... cheat meal baby!!!

Ya I did it up right this time.

Last week was a let down, I ate a banana with penut butter (Actually, there may have been 2 bananas involved.) (don't judge, the only fruit I eat right now is apples) a little dry spinach salad with strawberry's and a small, plain hamburger on a whole wheat bun. I mean it was ok, but it just didn't live up to my expectations.

Well TODAY!!! My friends I was ready. I was prepared. Plan went like this, banana and penut butter with a few walnuts for appetizer. And then some chips and salsa and steak tacos from my favorite Mexican restaurant.

Well, in the moment it was bombfreaking.com I tell YOU!!!!!!! O-2-the-m-Gosh it was heaven. I thought to myself several times during my appetizer that I don't know why I ever wanted ice cream or pie because banana plus penut butter plus walnuts all sliced up is like pure heaven in a white bowl. I mean. Hmmmm, it was sorta like the best thing I have eaten in a month. Really, that good. I might have a little obsession with it. I can't even keep bananas in the house right now. Only on Saturday a few can be boughten, kids and hubby can have them Saturday or Sunday. No other days are acceptable during prep time.

Mexican food was GOOD. I mean, not as down right ghetto fabulous as my appetizer but it was still good. Beat the heck outta my chicken, rice and broccoli lunch I am not going to lie.

But then I had to stand up from that table and walk to the car. IT HURT. I mean, I didn't go crazy and eat like 3 baskets of chips. My hubs and I shared 1 basket, and I ate 3 tacos. I always eat 3 tacos. Ohhhhhh,,,, the pain in my stomach. I wish I had had the camera because if someone would have seen it, they'd a been talkin smack behind my back speculating if it was a boy or a girl in my oven.

My trainer said that is normal. When your body isn't used to processing those carbohydrates that our bodies don't really need, they then get a bit confused upon trying to process them. There is more science behind these cheat meals than I can remember but my guru says they are good for my metabolism and I say they keep me from jumping off a cliff. Each day my meals are fairly routine and sometimes, the only thing getting me to get that chicken and asparagus down my throat is the fact that in __ days I get to have me some whatever the heck I want.

Anywho, thought I should document the good, bad and the ugly cuz if I were a newby (ha, like I am not now) and I were researching whether I wanted to do a figure competition, I would want to know the dirt. Not just the "ohh, ahhh, I have nice muscles, I have a nice painted on tan, and fake nails and look like the HOTTEST dang barbie you have ever seen" (wow, I am really getting a little crazy tonight. Could be the carbs.)

Well, until the next time I get a cheat meal, in one week. It's back to protein, veggies, and not nearly as much healthy fat as I like. :o) Which reminds me I said this to Big Jon the other day.....

"Hey, how about I get a little more almond butter in my life, and a little less olive oil."

He said "ya, probably not."

It was worth a shot. I got a pickle outta him when I told him I thought I was gonna eat my own arm. A girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.

Rant

You have been warned. If you don't want to hear my spill, stop reading now.

And if you are reading this and judging me negatively, talking negatively behind my back expecting I wont find out, or are going to use anything at all on this blog for anything other than entertainment, inspiration, or to cheer me on.... PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS STOP READING AND DON'T COME BACK!!

The reason I have this blog is to document what a journey I have been on. Have you gone back through all 300 and some posts to realize that I started out as a 165 overweight, unhappy fat mom? Do you realize that I have given up, started over, given up and started over 100 times in the past almost two years? Do you realize that I am human and I have feelings and when you talk bad about me or try to make drama in my life, you hurt my feelings? Well. It's true, you do. And if that is your goal in life PLEASE... go find someone else's blog to stalk, because if you aren't commenting, you are stalking. I don't mind stalkers. I love meeting new friends, I love comments, I love helping people better themselves, I love showing people that we can accomplish anything we are willing to work our butts off for, so if you have been stalking... and you aren't talking crap.. .comment, let's be friends :o)


If you think I am doing this competition for attention. Boy are you wrong. If you think I don't love my hot sexy husband more than anything in this entire world, you are wrong. If you think I am going to get a big head, well you might be right, I might. But that doesn't mean I don't have standards, morals, and obligations that are more important than any worldy "thing." If you have a question about what I am doing, how I am doing it... why don't you do us both a favor and just ask ME?! If you question my intentions, either ask me or mind your own freaking business.

I spend 6 days a week in the gym. During which time I smile at every person I make eye contact with. I am approachable. I am a chear leader. I teach boot camp, I LOVE my class. I am willing to help guide and show by example anything and everything that my knowledge realm permits me to do. I love seeing people make the decision to begin a healthy lifestyle and then choose to stick with it. I genuinely get happy to see someone performing a set of tricep dips with perfect form, I genuinely feel pride in my heart when I see someone running their guts out on the treadmill, and I am SO HAPPY when I can say to someone, "you look great, whatever you are doing must be working."

My whole life I have been the girl who is always capable of puting herself behind and building other people up. A lot of the times at my own expense. Well back the hell off me because I will no longer build you at my crumbling. I am who I am. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, sister, cousin, instructor, health coach, and fitness enthusiast. I will love you and be loyal to you til the day I die. But if you aren't here, in my space, in my time in my life to do the same for me. Exit now.

I am a new girl, I am a new person. I am done. I am real as real can get, I do not keep secrets. I will not hide the exciting path that I am headed down. But I will not take crap from you either.

By the way, my muscles are getting bigger. I am getting stronger and faster and my confidence in who I am as an athlete is gaining. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am not a naturally gifted athlete, but I have and will continue to put in the time, the sweat and the tears that make this goal of standing on stage to showcase the hard work my butt has put in... and that will be worth every craving, every bump in the road on that day.

MMMM...K?!