Mental health

*please know how vulnerable this post is to my heart. I had it written a couple hours before i posted it because i was worrying. I dont want people to judge me or think less of me, as a woman, mother, business owner. But when i answer the question--why am i pulled to blogging again? My answer is simple. It's theraputic for me. I heal as i articulate and write. I feel brave sharing my real ugly truths, in the midst of my big beautiful life, and i pray that i am able to empower someone else to be brave enough to own and maybe even one day, share their own story too.*

 I can't even tell you how often I think about blogging. It's so heavy on my heart right now and I just want to get my new blog up and going so much but it seems every free minute I have to breathe right now is spent working on our house projects, signing up for health insurance, or running kids back and forth to activities and doing homework.

It's a busy, blessed life. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed. If I could just hire a person to do all the things I don't want to do. #goals

So I mentioned that I had to do this new food protocol for the month, and I called it a cleanse but it's really not a cleanse.

A cleanse means you barely eat food and you poop all the time.

This, well, I eat all the time, i just can't have things like dairy, wheat, sugar, diet dr pepper, eggs or tomatoes. And I'm definitely NOT pooping all the time, and yes, that's agitating me. Sorry TMI! Welcome back, friends!

To be honest it isn't a lot different than my normal diet minus this no diet dr pepper bull hockey.

Anywho. That's not actually what I wanted to blog about.

I told a client friend tonight a bit about my food situation and she said "yah, but you teach forever, Teri. Can you do this forever?"

And I said with out pausing "absolutely. I can do this 90% forever." And I explained what I'll explain to you.

This is the first time in 8 years I've exercised for less than 6 hours every single week. It's the first time in 8 years that I haven't been obsessing over food, to some degree. The first time I just eat something healthy, enjoy it, have more if I want to or wait til later if I don't. It's the first time in a very long time I haven't been weighing/measuring/tracking in SOME way. Remember, I do this for a living so I track, when I say I'm NOT tracking, because I know all the numbers and it just happens I think because of my obsessiveness.

That sounds odd. But in the midst of every plan I've ever followed or not followed, it was with obsession of either being perfectly on the plan and following all the rules, or obsessing about how NOT ON the plan I was and how I needed to get my shiz together and get on the plan.

My anxiety and obsessiveness, which is a problem for me in my life, has improved a great deal. (Ill explain why I think this all is, in another post)

But the point of this is still not that.

My point is mental health.

I've never had an eating disorder. I've never been stick skinny or obese. I've never starved myself or thrown up after a meal (but I've thought about both). But, I've been addicted to eating "right," whatever that means, I've been addicted to trying to become smaller, I've been addicted to exercise.

Do you know how many times I have sought help specifically for my food and eating issues? 4 times. 5 different people. 2 of them, specialize in "body image issues," and aren't accepting new patients.  And 3 of them, said things like, "but you're not fat," "you just want to he healthy right, not like super skinny?" And "omgosh have you seen those people who do shows, it's so gross." (Yes I did a show, so yes that hit my nerve. And led me to believe that someone who refers to ANY body as gross, probably isn't going to help me much, especially after knowing the reason I was there, and previously had mentioned I'd done a show).

The point of the matter is none of them could help me because I don't look sick enough to them. Granted I function well, off of medications, but that doesn't change that I have this obsessive issue I've fought since being a young child and as I've sought help, I've been shut down.  No one has even tried to help me get to the bottom, even as I'm paying them for exactly that.

So then I must ask AM I CRAZY? Am I totally fine? I say I don't deserve to get over it because "I'm not that bad," and "others are so much worse than me."

But friends when you dont feel right you don't feel right. Here is where I'll tell you I admire and praise social media, without Instagram, mainly, I'd have no idea there are so many others out there just like me. I'd have no idea that I'm not alone. I would have had no clue how to start making progress at beating my demons.

And it's where I question how is the world dealing with mental health? What about people who have issues that are dangerous to others, or themselves? What about people who are so depressed they can't go buy groceries with their newborn so they stay home for a year? What about people who cut themselves?

If they don't LOOK sick enough, are they being ignored?

And that's where I'm scared. I think there is a boatload of tragedy going on in our world and I think some of it could potentially be avoided if we were quicker to relate. If we were quicker with a smile. Quicker with a helping hand rather than an eye roll and judgement.

Do we ever really know what others have going on?

I am a healthy contributing member of society but I have anxiety and obsessive tendencies. And if I wasn't in the position I am, in the work I am in, surrounded by the people I am, so acquainted with the God whi made me--how different could my life be? Would I be slaying my dragons? Would I be learning to cope and overcome my issues?

I'm so excited and proud of where I am, today. And where I'm headed, that looks real good. I'm grateful grateful grateful that my issues are less, right now, and my mental strength, is tough, right now.

If you are struggling, Comment here. Reach out. I think you are valuable and you are worth the time it takes to become your best.

 A couple resources, if you're struggling with food or body issues that may be similar or different than mine, that I'm loving are:

A book: You are a Bad Ass by Jen Sincero
A workbook: Beautiful You by Rosie Molinary

This me. Bare naked face. Feeling pretty dang good these days, but ironically, LOOKING the same as I always do♡