Well Hello,
Thanks to all 4 of you who were concerned that my blog went private and you weren't invited to view it. Thanks for worrying about me!!!
I made it private to everyone because I needed to take a little break. I wasn't ready to delete it, I need to print it and keep it all for my journal experience. And I wasn't sure if I might decide to come back and be mature on here again.
I got a love/hate letter from one of my very best friend after my last post. I deleted it, or I'd share it here with you because it really was helpful/productive for me to read, although it hurt at the time.
It said something like "wake the heck up, stop complaining, stop whining. You are barbie size (really, she obviously hasn't seen Barbie, barbie is anorexic with no mucles... so she was really lucky at this point I didn't go taekwondo on her.... I am freaking buff yo!) if you eat crap, you gain weight. You know that. There are people everywhere who are working their butts off that have a lot of weight to loose and you are complaining over 5 lbs. That post doesn't sound like the you I know. You are resentful that your world is revolving around your family, that is how it should be isn't it? I don't think it's the food that is the problem, what is the root. How do you feel? You are beautiful and I think you need to pray to Heavenly Father to see yourself the way he sees you."
Dude.
I cried, a little. Then I thought about being mean to her!! Then I read it again, and again, and again.
And I realized she was right. That wasn't me. My whole personality wasn't really me anymore. So I needed a break to remember who I was, who I wanted to be, and how I was going to accomplish this task of getting back to being that girl.
I haven't done that well really. I have tried a little bit hard though.
I am still eating not as healthy as I should be. I am still indulging too much. I am still training hard at the gym. I weigh 136.7 pounds, which is almost 9 lbs higher than my lowest weight.
But I am not sweating it. I have been facing my food fears. hehe that sounds a little crazy. But I have been working so hard on taking the "Guilt" away from food. If I eat, I don't think about it again. I try to just enjoy what I am having, and I remind myself that this is a season of life and there are going to be more seasons and more opportunity's for growth and change.
I can cry about the bad choices, or I can be proud of the good ones, and work harder to be my best self in the next moment I am given.
There really are so many people out there who aren't as blessed with a frame they love, or who have sicknesses, or ailments that prevent them from losing weight, from exercising or from choosing to be healthy. (Ok, don't go crazy here, I also think some people are lazy and they choose to use excuses of health problems to be fat. Oh, that word is so harsh. You get my drift. sorry).
So, right now, today I am working on balancing life and being my best self. That was my motto for ever and a day ago and I sorta forgot. But I am only here, on this earth- in this home- in this family- on this journey to make myself into the best possible person I can become, in order to return to live in Heaven with my Father above at the end.
I can work to be my best in all apsects of my life and to balance all the things that are important to me, keeping them in line with what is important to the Lord.
So it's a new journey right here. This blog will probably continue to be a journal of mine, but I will also throw in some inspiration for you, some tips maybe, and some stories. Because that is interesting, and inspiring. Sometimes I come to this blog just to see what the people on my side bar are doing, because I need a little extra push to get moving to make a good healthy choice... and if I can be that extra push for any of you- well then that is something I can be proud of.
Just a little food for thought: Today was the day of my first show I was prepping for, I am ok with it. Only posting to tell you my trainer won 1'st place in his class for body building!! I am so excited! He is a dream of a trainer and has worked his butt off to transform his body from a strong man competitor to a body builder. He really looks amazing. I am so stoked for him, see his blog on my side bar if you are interested.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Resentment
Welp, it finally came out today.
The resentment I said I wouldn't have. The resentment I didn't want to have. My hubs was worried I would be mad at him later, that I would resent him for making me feel like I should quit.
Trainer told me I was going to be resentful.
NAAAA, I am loving, kind, generous.... yadayada.
Well, I am those things. But today I am feeling just a tad bit of resentment.
It is probably an accumulation of dropping out of the show, going back to a regular person who eats regular food, the hubby being gone and me flying solo for the past 96 hours with the kids.
But today, I admit it. I am a little bit pissed. I am a little bit angry. I am a little annoyed that everyone I was so worried I was disappointing or leaving out are too busy for me today, on a day where I need someone to be there. But, everyone's busy living their own lives. Which is what I was doing up until 2 weeks ago.
I was insanely busy. I was bustling kids around, I had a messy house, I was exhausted, I didn't have enough time... but I was busy with something that had to do with ME. And I had shoulder caps that rocked my world, my upper abs were poppin out and my face was sunken in and skinny. Right now I am running around, busy, tired, pissed, overwhelmed and absolutly none of that has a darn thing to do with me. AND my abs are gone, my face is swollen and my shoulder caps are gone.
And I am a little annoyed about it.
I saw an old friend from high school tonight. It isn't like I wanted to impress him. I am, in fact a happily married woman to the hottest guy around.... but I found myself wishing I had ran into this kid from high school two weeks ago, when I looked good.
And today I was killing the blasted stair mill and one of the trainers said, "I hear you are eating food again." I laughed, I said "What gave it away? My abs are gone, my face is filled out and you can't find a shoulder cap?" He said "You mean you look normal?"
Dude. It hurt. I don't want to look normal and work this hard. I don't want to look normal after I just worked my ass off for two and a half months, to just look normal seems like such a huge disappointment.
So, here I am. I watched Private Practice right now and there was an alcoholic on the show at an AA meeting and I TOTALLY related to what she had to say...
"I am totally embarrassed, disappointed and ashamed that today is day 1, again."
Ok, maybe it that wasn't exactly what she said, but you get the gyst. I have told myself every night, tomorow is the day I am going to get back on track. I gained 8 lbs in the past almost two weeks. 8 pounds can go away QUICKLY if I just get my ass back in gear and eat like I am supposed to. If I follow the nutrition plan Jon set up for me.
But every day, I run into a "cookie" which turns into 10. Or my mom wants to go out to lunch. Or I eat 3 bowls of cereal before bed. Or grab another handful of "healthy" almonds. (Ya they are healthy if I eat 8, not 28)
Holy crap why is this so hard? I don't even want to eat that crap. When I type it I am truly disgusted with myself.
When I look in the mirror I am truly disgusted with myself. I was teaching bootcamp last night and I finally had to turn away from the mirror because I was really so close to crying it was ridiculous.
A part of me is mad at my husband. He likes my body from 2 weeks ago, correction.. he LOVES my body from two weeks ago. That's good right? But I don't want to eat like a figure competitor if I am not going to BE a figure competitor. So I want to eat more crap. Yet, I do want to look like a figure competitor.
That doesn't even make sense when I read it. I think there is a term for this sort of odd behavior.
SELF SABOTAGE. I am going to get the definition for that, hold please....
whatever it took me to a blog and it was way too long to insert here.
I don't know the definition, but to me it means I keep eating crap that I think will make me happy, but actually it makes me happy for a small moment and then it makes me very, very sad because I can see it leaving a dimple on the back of my leg or another roll on my stomach or adding another pound to the scale tomorow morning.
So there you have it. Another eyore of a post from your's truly. I mean, there was a day and a time when I was the most upbeat happy person you would have ever met. But lately, I am the friggin rain on the parade. And I want to stop. I have always believed two things. 1. You are responsible for your own happiness. 2. If you are having a crappy day, you can choose to see the good and make it a better day. Oh and 3. There are only a select few people in your life that really care what kind of day you are having.
I really hope I can gain some sense of control, that I can choose to say no to the crap food that is screwing up my image in the mirror, and I can remember that for the most part my life is pretty dang good. And I do have a lot more to be thankful for than not.
So here is my happy face. I will fake it til I make it for the rest of the night.
The resentment I said I wouldn't have. The resentment I didn't want to have. My hubs was worried I would be mad at him later, that I would resent him for making me feel like I should quit.
Trainer told me I was going to be resentful.
NAAAA, I am loving, kind, generous.... yadayada.
Well, I am those things. But today I am feeling just a tad bit of resentment.
It is probably an accumulation of dropping out of the show, going back to a regular person who eats regular food, the hubby being gone and me flying solo for the past 96 hours with the kids.
But today, I admit it. I am a little bit pissed. I am a little bit angry. I am a little annoyed that everyone I was so worried I was disappointing or leaving out are too busy for me today, on a day where I need someone to be there. But, everyone's busy living their own lives. Which is what I was doing up until 2 weeks ago.
I was insanely busy. I was bustling kids around, I had a messy house, I was exhausted, I didn't have enough time... but I was busy with something that had to do with ME. And I had shoulder caps that rocked my world, my upper abs were poppin out and my face was sunken in and skinny. Right now I am running around, busy, tired, pissed, overwhelmed and absolutly none of that has a darn thing to do with me. AND my abs are gone, my face is swollen and my shoulder caps are gone.
And I am a little annoyed about it.
I saw an old friend from high school tonight. It isn't like I wanted to impress him. I am, in fact a happily married woman to the hottest guy around.... but I found myself wishing I had ran into this kid from high school two weeks ago, when I looked good.
And today I was killing the blasted stair mill and one of the trainers said, "I hear you are eating food again." I laughed, I said "What gave it away? My abs are gone, my face is filled out and you can't find a shoulder cap?" He said "You mean you look normal?"
Dude. It hurt. I don't want to look normal and work this hard. I don't want to look normal after I just worked my ass off for two and a half months, to just look normal seems like such a huge disappointment.
So, here I am. I watched Private Practice right now and there was an alcoholic on the show at an AA meeting and I TOTALLY related to what she had to say...
"I am totally embarrassed, disappointed and ashamed that today is day 1, again."
Ok, maybe it that wasn't exactly what she said, but you get the gyst. I have told myself every night, tomorow is the day I am going to get back on track. I gained 8 lbs in the past almost two weeks. 8 pounds can go away QUICKLY if I just get my ass back in gear and eat like I am supposed to. If I follow the nutrition plan Jon set up for me.
But every day, I run into a "cookie" which turns into 10. Or my mom wants to go out to lunch. Or I eat 3 bowls of cereal before bed. Or grab another handful of "healthy" almonds. (Ya they are healthy if I eat 8, not 28)
Holy crap why is this so hard? I don't even want to eat that crap. When I type it I am truly disgusted with myself.
When I look in the mirror I am truly disgusted with myself. I was teaching bootcamp last night and I finally had to turn away from the mirror because I was really so close to crying it was ridiculous.
A part of me is mad at my husband. He likes my body from 2 weeks ago, correction.. he LOVES my body from two weeks ago. That's good right? But I don't want to eat like a figure competitor if I am not going to BE a figure competitor. So I want to eat more crap. Yet, I do want to look like a figure competitor.
That doesn't even make sense when I read it. I think there is a term for this sort of odd behavior.
SELF SABOTAGE. I am going to get the definition for that, hold please....
whatever it took me to a blog and it was way too long to insert here.
I don't know the definition, but to me it means I keep eating crap that I think will make me happy, but actually it makes me happy for a small moment and then it makes me very, very sad because I can see it leaving a dimple on the back of my leg or another roll on my stomach or adding another pound to the scale tomorow morning.
So there you have it. Another eyore of a post from your's truly. I mean, there was a day and a time when I was the most upbeat happy person you would have ever met. But lately, I am the friggin rain on the parade. And I want to stop. I have always believed two things. 1. You are responsible for your own happiness. 2. If you are having a crappy day, you can choose to see the good and make it a better day. Oh and 3. There are only a select few people in your life that really care what kind of day you are having.
I really hope I can gain some sense of control, that I can choose to say no to the crap food that is screwing up my image in the mirror, and I can remember that for the most part my life is pretty dang good. And I do have a lot more to be thankful for than not.
So here is my happy face. I will fake it til I make it for the rest of the night.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
It.Hurts
Remember how I said my heart was hurting last week?
Well, this week it is my legs.
I had my leg training day with Big Jon yesterday. It didn't seem harder than usual. I haven't missed any workouts. I did supersets, high reps... usual stuff. Then I hit up my bootcamp class (holla, love my bootcampers) at 6 and worked it. I thought I was going to kill my people, but really I killed myself. They all looked fine, sweaty... but fine. I knew it was going to be hard to come back to actually doing the class with them again. I am strength conditioned right now I guess, not as much cardio conditioned. Ya, and for the record, I did want to throw up once or twice.
Anywho, I got out of bed this morning and I felt every.single.leg.and.butt.muscle.there.ever.was. Ohhhh, it really really hurts.
I hit the gym jam up this morning. Killed some shoulders, a little bicep and tricep action and half cardio on the inclined treddy mill, half on the stair demon. Dude, it hurts.
So now it is 920 pm. I ate perfectly all day yesterday and all day today, until about ohhhhh 5 when I decided to make no bake cookies and eat 3, and then a small bowl of macaroni and cheese. Hmmmm, why? My husband is working nights, this might just kill me. I tried my damndest to get some salty tortilla chips too, even went to Maverick with my kids in the pj's (obviosusly never woulda done that if hubby was home, he would have fuuuuuureaked out)... but what the heck?! They didn't have any. So I came home and made eggs.
I still haven't weighed myself. Big Jon said to "just do it." Before I get out of control and gain 20 lbs. But I assured him I would weigh Friday and that I will not gain 20 lbs now or ever.
But, I do really like to eat. And I really do like food. And I really really am an emotional eater.
So, I think I better weight tomorow.
Ohhhh, it's gonna hurt. I don't want to. I don't want to, I will probably want to cry.
But a girl's got to do what a girls got to do. And I will put on my big girl panties and face the music.
Send good scale vibes my way. And tell me, what do you do? Do you weigh every day, or once a week? Or do you even ever weigh yourself?!
Well, this week it is my legs.
I had my leg training day with Big Jon yesterday. It didn't seem harder than usual. I haven't missed any workouts. I did supersets, high reps... usual stuff. Then I hit up my bootcamp class (holla, love my bootcampers) at 6 and worked it. I thought I was going to kill my people, but really I killed myself. They all looked fine, sweaty... but fine. I knew it was going to be hard to come back to actually doing the class with them again. I am strength conditioned right now I guess, not as much cardio conditioned. Ya, and for the record, I did want to throw up once or twice.
Anywho, I got out of bed this morning and I felt every.single.leg.and.butt.muscle.there.ever.was. Ohhhh, it really really hurts.
I hit the gym jam up this morning. Killed some shoulders, a little bicep and tricep action and half cardio on the inclined treddy mill, half on the stair demon. Dude, it hurts.
So now it is 920 pm. I ate perfectly all day yesterday and all day today, until about ohhhhh 5 when I decided to make no bake cookies and eat 3, and then a small bowl of macaroni and cheese. Hmmmm, why? My husband is working nights, this might just kill me. I tried my damndest to get some salty tortilla chips too, even went to Maverick with my kids in the pj's (obviosusly never woulda done that if hubby was home, he would have fuuuuuureaked out)... but what the heck?! They didn't have any. So I came home and made eggs.
I still haven't weighed myself. Big Jon said to "just do it." Before I get out of control and gain 20 lbs. But I assured him I would weigh Friday and that I will not gain 20 lbs now or ever.
But, I do really like to eat. And I really do like food. And I really really am an emotional eater.
So, I think I better weight tomorow.
Ohhhh, it's gonna hurt. I don't want to. I don't want to, I will probably want to cry.
But a girl's got to do what a girls got to do. And I will put on my big girl panties and face the music.
Send good scale vibes my way. And tell me, what do you do? Do you weigh every day, or once a week? Or do you even ever weigh yourself?!
Monday, October 10, 2011
One Week
Today is exactly one week from the day I decided I would not compete.
It seems like so long ago all ready, but yet the time has gone by fast. A couple girls asked me today if I still felt good about my decision not to compete and I easily said... "yeah, I am still a little sad. But looking at the big picture, I am content with what I chose."
I will admit I went to the gym more than once (haven't missed a workout, booyah) with tears in my eyes. I will admit that I ate "comfort" food more than 2, or maybe it was 20 times to stuff emotions I didn't want to deal with. I will admit I layed down on my pillow more than one time realizing that my heart was indeed hurting. I will admit that more than once I have felt a little bit overwhelmed by not being so busy and focused.
But, it is 7 days later now. I have had treats, in fact, I am pretty sure I have made up for every single thing I ever had to say no to in the past 2.5 months, (really 3.5 months because I was being extremely strict on my diet in July, when I started working with the get in shape girl). Ahh, it did feel good in the moment of eating those things, but after, yes I felt sick, yes I felt a little guilt, yes I felt fat.
Yes, in fact I do feel fat. Today when I hit the gym, I felt extremely fat and swollen actually. I have not weighed myself. I refuse. I will not step on the scale until Friday, I can face the music Friday but only because I am back on my new and improved nutrition plan from Big Jon starting tomorow, and will not be indulging in ANYTHING AT ALL besides that plan until Saturday night, which I will get a cheat meal, and then Sunday, I will get a cheat treat because it is my bubba boy's second birthday. (That was a side note of rambling, sorry.)
Anyway, I fully believe for people like me it is best to weigh every single day, because otherwise I have been known to use it as an excuse to indulge from not knowing the "damage" of a cheating day. But, I needed a week to process and let a little loose. I feel ready to get back on track.
I am anxious to feed my body healthy clean food again. I told my husband on the way home from our little get a way today that (as I drank a diet dr pepper) my body was prolly screaming at me "lady, what happened to all the water you have been giving me?" I sorta laughed about it and continued to imagine what all my body could be saying "what the heck happened to the clean food moron?" "Is this what the week before the show woulda been like, dry and thirsty?... and I answered "no, stupid body you would have been starving too, be thankful you have been gettin food."
Wow, I really am that weird.
It just makes me think that our bodies really like healthy food and exercise so much better than the alternative. They really, really do.
My body likes to look leaner, it likes to be fed nutritious healthy food and it likes to sweat.
So body, that is what you will get. Enjoy, it is coming. Yum, can't waite for tomorow morning and my 3/4 cup oats with egg whites. HOLLA... 3/4 cup seems like a freaking thanksgiving day feast compared to the 1/4 cup I have been eating (breakfast is the one meal I have followed 100% since last week... woop woop go me!)
It seems like so long ago all ready, but yet the time has gone by fast. A couple girls asked me today if I still felt good about my decision not to compete and I easily said... "yeah, I am still a little sad. But looking at the big picture, I am content with what I chose."
I will admit I went to the gym more than once (haven't missed a workout, booyah) with tears in my eyes. I will admit that I ate "comfort" food more than 2, or maybe it was 20 times to stuff emotions I didn't want to deal with. I will admit I layed down on my pillow more than one time realizing that my heart was indeed hurting. I will admit that more than once I have felt a little bit overwhelmed by not being so busy and focused.
But, it is 7 days later now. I have had treats, in fact, I am pretty sure I have made up for every single thing I ever had to say no to in the past 2.5 months, (really 3.5 months because I was being extremely strict on my diet in July, when I started working with the get in shape girl). Ahh, it did feel good in the moment of eating those things, but after, yes I felt sick, yes I felt a little guilt, yes I felt fat.
Yes, in fact I do feel fat. Today when I hit the gym, I felt extremely fat and swollen actually. I have not weighed myself. I refuse. I will not step on the scale until Friday, I can face the music Friday but only because I am back on my new and improved nutrition plan from Big Jon starting tomorow, and will not be indulging in ANYTHING AT ALL besides that plan until Saturday night, which I will get a cheat meal, and then Sunday, I will get a cheat treat because it is my bubba boy's second birthday. (That was a side note of rambling, sorry.)
Anyway, I fully believe for people like me it is best to weigh every single day, because otherwise I have been known to use it as an excuse to indulge from not knowing the "damage" of a cheating day. But, I needed a week to process and let a little loose. I feel ready to get back on track.
I am anxious to feed my body healthy clean food again. I told my husband on the way home from our little get a way today that (as I drank a diet dr pepper) my body was prolly screaming at me "lady, what happened to all the water you have been giving me?" I sorta laughed about it and continued to imagine what all my body could be saying "what the heck happened to the clean food moron?" "Is this what the week before the show woulda been like, dry and thirsty?... and I answered "no, stupid body you would have been starving too, be thankful you have been gettin food."
Wow, I really am that weird.
It just makes me think that our bodies really like healthy food and exercise so much better than the alternative. They really, really do.
My body likes to look leaner, it likes to be fed nutritious healthy food and it likes to sweat.
So body, that is what you will get. Enjoy, it is coming. Yum, can't waite for tomorow morning and my 3/4 cup oats with egg whites. HOLLA... 3/4 cup seems like a freaking thanksgiving day feast compared to the 1/4 cup I have been eating (breakfast is the one meal I have followed 100% since last week... woop woop go me!)
Friday, October 7, 2011
Who Am I gonna Be Now?
So about 8 months ago I put a note on my mirror that said
"who are you going to be? Pick, then make it happen."
If I am ok with eating whatever I want, I have to be ok with looking like I eat whatever I want.
If I want to look like I workout hardcore, then I don't get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Period. You can not outtrain a bad diet. Ah, some can, let me reword that I CAN NOT OUT TRAIN MY BAD DIET.
This week, has been a bad diet week. No I am not talking about being on a "diet" I am just talking about the food that I eat and refer to it as my diet. So here me, I am not on a diet, never have been. I just call the food that I cosume, my diet.
I emailed Big Jon today, ready to set my goals for the next 6 months.
Dear Big Jon
Thanks, workout was good today. I refueled right after with my protein shake, and then came home and ate peanut butter cookies.
Yep. Not doing so good on my assigned nutrition plan, but then you figured that was going to be the case, didn't you?!Well I have thought more about the goals that I wanted to set that you and I talked about last week and I think I have pinpointed them a little more clearly now that I have gotten my cheats out of the way.
So I thought I should share them before you got my new nutrition plan rolling.I don't necessarily want to build any more muscle, I don't think. What's your opinion there? I don't want to look skinny, but I want to be smallish. I think the muscle I have is all pretty good and big enough, but I want it to be more cut looking. So, I know we talked about me having to gain some weight back, and that healthy body fat range is 18%. I just am not going to be ok at 18%, I don't really care about the scale I just want the body fat lower and since I was 13% 3 weeks ago, I am assuming I am 12 or 13 now and want to maintain here for the next several years. When someone comes into the gym, I want them to look at me and think that my body is what they are trying to get. I want to be in better shape looking than any female trainer at a gym. Period. I need a nutrition plan that is going to fuel that, and preferrably one that does not include tilapia.
It can be strict enough during the week because I will continue on with the one cheat meal a week or maybe two.... haven't quite figured that out. Maybe one a week, but will be able to partake at a birthday party without feeling like I need to get cardio done at 2 in the morning after.
Cardio is another question for you. Is more (like the 90 minutes I have been doing) really the best way to keep body fat lower? I will be training with my bootcamp people tue and thurs which basically is an hour of cardio each of those nights. We do incorporate weights, but when we do the resistance is light(8-10 lb dumb bells or 20 lb max bar weight) and high reps (24-30 ish) Other than that I am ok with being in the gym 6 days and keeping Sunday as my rest day. Obviously same as before I only have 2 hours though because of daycare.
Anyway, thought I should send email and get your thoughts and what not. Its been a hard week, not gonna lie. It'lll get easier though. I don't want to throw away all the sweat I have put out getting here so it is time to get this shit figured out.
Thanks again for everything Jon
"who are you going to be? Pick, then make it happen."
If I am ok with eating whatever I want, I have to be ok with looking like I eat whatever I want.
If I want to look like I workout hardcore, then I don't get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Period. You can not outtrain a bad diet. Ah, some can, let me reword that I CAN NOT OUT TRAIN MY BAD DIET.
This week, has been a bad diet week. No I am not talking about being on a "diet" I am just talking about the food that I eat and refer to it as my diet. So here me, I am not on a diet, never have been. I just call the food that I cosume, my diet.
I emailed Big Jon today, ready to set my goals for the next 6 months.
Dear Big Jon
Thanks, workout was good today. I refueled right after with my protein shake, and then came home and ate peanut butter cookies.
Yep. Not doing so good on my assigned nutrition plan, but then you figured that was going to be the case, didn't you?!Well I have thought more about the goals that I wanted to set that you and I talked about last week and I think I have pinpointed them a little more clearly now that I have gotten my cheats out of the way.
So I thought I should share them before you got my new nutrition plan rolling.I don't necessarily want to build any more muscle, I don't think. What's your opinion there? I don't want to look skinny, but I want to be smallish. I think the muscle I have is all pretty good and big enough, but I want it to be more cut looking. So, I know we talked about me having to gain some weight back, and that healthy body fat range is 18%. I just am not going to be ok at 18%, I don't really care about the scale I just want the body fat lower and since I was 13% 3 weeks ago, I am assuming I am 12 or 13 now and want to maintain here for the next several years. When someone comes into the gym, I want them to look at me and think that my body is what they are trying to get. I want to be in better shape looking than any female trainer at a gym. Period. I need a nutrition plan that is going to fuel that, and preferrably one that does not include tilapia.
It can be strict enough during the week because I will continue on with the one cheat meal a week or maybe two.... haven't quite figured that out. Maybe one a week, but will be able to partake at a birthday party without feeling like I need to get cardio done at 2 in the morning after.
Cardio is another question for you. Is more (like the 90 minutes I have been doing) really the best way to keep body fat lower? I will be training with my bootcamp people tue and thurs which basically is an hour of cardio each of those nights. We do incorporate weights, but when we do the resistance is light(8-10 lb dumb bells or 20 lb max bar weight) and high reps (24-30 ish) Other than that I am ok with being in the gym 6 days and keeping Sunday as my rest day. Obviously same as before I only have 2 hours though because of daycare.
Anyway, thought I should send email and get your thoughts and what not. Its been a hard week, not gonna lie. It'lll get easier though. I don't want to throw away all the sweat I have put out getting here so it is time to get this shit figured out.
Thanks again for everything Jon
Thursday, October 6, 2011
No Patience
So you know how you go to Walmart, or anywhere really... and when you get in someone's way you say "Excuse me."
Or when you accidently cut some one off in traffic, you wave and mouth "Sorry!"
Or when you are at the gym and you make eye contact with someone, you smile.
Or when you make someone waite in line forever and a day behind you at the checkstand because you are so busy talking about stupid crap that nobody cares about....... you atleast smile and pretend like you care you held up the line.
Well, lately, I am not running into those kind of people. And I am usually ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the polite person who does the "excuse me, sorry, my bad, thank you, smile" thing. Well this week, if I look at one more person who just seems to be looking at me with no intention of smiling, or say excuse me to one more stupid moron who obviously doesn't care that they are also in MY way, or if I stand behind one more stupid jacker in a checkout line listening to whatever the stupid hell they have to say........
I might just blow a freakin gasket.
Just sayin.
Or when you accidently cut some one off in traffic, you wave and mouth "Sorry!"
Or when you are at the gym and you make eye contact with someone, you smile.
Or when you make someone waite in line forever and a day behind you at the checkstand because you are so busy talking about stupid crap that nobody cares about....... you atleast smile and pretend like you care you held up the line.
Well, lately, I am not running into those kind of people. And I am usually ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the polite person who does the "excuse me, sorry, my bad, thank you, smile" thing. Well this week, if I look at one more person who just seems to be looking at me with no intention of smiling, or say excuse me to one more stupid moron who obviously doesn't care that they are also in MY way, or if I stand behind one more stupid jacker in a checkout line listening to whatever the stupid hell they have to say........
I might just blow a freakin gasket.
Just sayin.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Somethings Just Don't FIGURE.
July 1, 2011 when I started with Big Jon
October 4th, 4 am front pose with goofy hand placement
totally wrong back pose with my shoulder blades popping out like a crazy woman. My back is supposed to look flat
Relaxed Pose
Front Pose with goofy hands, but I wanted to get a good image of my stomach area.Oh man, this is the hardest post ever to write. I keep wanting to avoid it, but that leads to the false impression I am busy at work getting ready for a figure show in 3.5 weeks.
And, that my friends, I am not.
I put in my letter of resignation last night. I have been wrestling for a month with these small signals I keep receiving from my Heavenly Father. I kept pushing them aside, thinking that I could focus for just a "bit" longer and make it through. Then I could go back to being the attentive wife and loving mom I have always been. Then I could go back to balancing and focusing on the "important" things in life and no harm would be done.
I took my husband to my posing session this weekend and although he outwardly tried to be tough, it was extrememly hard for him to see me in a swim suit, and to think about me being on a stage in front of LOTS of people, in an even smaller swim suit, looking even more sexy than (he) already thinks I am.
I have felt promptings from different occasions that have said I am chasing something that is over my head, that is asking for trouble. I have spent a rather large amount of money to get here, only two months and a week into training, with a month to go and about 400 dollars more to spend, that could really be put to better use for my family else where. I feel like I have put my husband in a situation that he isn't comfortable, but as he takes one for our "team" and grins and bears it, I have realized that I am not being the kind of wife I want to be by making him do that.
I am not being the kind of mom I want to be by being grumpy, irritable, and totally focused on myself. If something were to happen to me or one of them tomorow, I wouldn't be satisfied with the way things have been going. I don't feel like they know how much I love them because of the actions and reactions I have had in the past two months. I don't feel like they understand that I have a testimony of eternal families and that MY eternal family is my #1 priority.
I love and respect my trainer and his wife and I am so going to miss training all the time, and the aspect of comraderie of working towards this goal. I had this last two months and it was really ALL about me. I would be lying if I said a big part of me didn't really LOVE that. But, when I look above and ahead at the eternal perspective, I know and understand that is not the way it is meant to be right now.
Some have said, "don't worry, you can do it later." Ya right! This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never wanted something so much, but wanted to quit the whole time as well. I have had totally conflicting emotions the whole time because it really has been SO hard. The 3 hours of training, the early mornings, the lack of sleep, the total restriciton of diet. Cold tilapia. Need I say more?
I know that I had to get here, to October 3rd 2011 to really and fully know that I am capable of finishing, and rocking that stage. I am capable, I could do it. That doesn't mean it is the right decision to do it.
I wrestled all night, wondering why the Lord wasn't giving me the overwhelming feeling of peace that told me "you are right, you need to stop." But as I called my Uncle this morning and talked through the feelings and promptings I have had, I realized it was just that. It was the answer I had been begging for all night. It was the assurance that I had made the decision that long term I could live with.
In ten years, I may totally regret not stepping on stage in those 5 inch heels and absolutly gorgeous blue blinged out suit (ahhhh, it really IS so pretty!!!). But I would rather live with that regret than the regret of in a month regretting finishing, at the rate that there is no promise of tomorow. That there is no guarantee that everything would be ok, that Satan wouldn't mettle in my marriage or in my family. I would rather take the risk of feeling a little sad and let down, then risk bringing the Advesary into my life.
I am the protector of my children, I am the lover of my husband. I am supposed to stand for that which is good and just and right. As I stood in front of my husband and my kids last night in my sparkly (ohhh the fabric, it's so gorgeous!) small suit, and my 4 year old said "mommy, you look beautiful... I want a swimming suit like that." My heart was pierced. I would never be ok with her wearing such a small suit, why on earth would I feel it ok to wear it as her mom? I am not ok with that.
I am ok with her seeing me strive everyday to take care of the body I have been given, I am more than ok with her seeing me fuel my body with healthy foods and not the "yucky" stuff, I am ok with her seeing how much I love her daddy and that he thinks I am the sexiest girl in the world. I am not ok with her thinking it is ok for other people to think I am the sexiest girl in the world. (Ya, know... cuz everyone totally woulda been thinking naughty of me in that thing cuz I rocked it!!!)
My hubs tried with his might to make me finish, but when I told him I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted and I needed him to support me and not try to change my mind he shot me a text back that made me smile brighter, jump higher, run faster, and thank every lucky star in the world he picked me...
"ok, I love you no matter what. You are a winner to me. You probably would have won first."
And that my friends is worth more than the biggest trophy ever will be. True, eternal love that does not end.
Please don't be disappointed in me. Please understand that my heart is in the best place it can be. Please understand that I am an advocate of pushing our bodies to do hard things, that I fully believe that we as women, wives and mothers-- we are capable of anything, and everything we set out minds to. And when we feel 100% ok with whatever it is, or even 90% ok with it, we need to push through.
Thank you for following my journey. Don't think its over. I am 127.9 lbs of 5 foot 5ness at around 13% body fat, and I have to make it back to a real life person again, who gets to choose her own food and her own workouts...
stay tuned.
Keep believing, smiling, working, and trying.
And, that my friends, I am not.
I put in my letter of resignation last night. I have been wrestling for a month with these small signals I keep receiving from my Heavenly Father. I kept pushing them aside, thinking that I could focus for just a "bit" longer and make it through. Then I could go back to being the attentive wife and loving mom I have always been. Then I could go back to balancing and focusing on the "important" things in life and no harm would be done.
I took my husband to my posing session this weekend and although he outwardly tried to be tough, it was extrememly hard for him to see me in a swim suit, and to think about me being on a stage in front of LOTS of people, in an even smaller swim suit, looking even more sexy than (he) already thinks I am.
I have felt promptings from different occasions that have said I am chasing something that is over my head, that is asking for trouble. I have spent a rather large amount of money to get here, only two months and a week into training, with a month to go and about 400 dollars more to spend, that could really be put to better use for my family else where. I feel like I have put my husband in a situation that he isn't comfortable, but as he takes one for our "team" and grins and bears it, I have realized that I am not being the kind of wife I want to be by making him do that.
I am not being the kind of mom I want to be by being grumpy, irritable, and totally focused on myself. If something were to happen to me or one of them tomorow, I wouldn't be satisfied with the way things have been going. I don't feel like they know how much I love them because of the actions and reactions I have had in the past two months. I don't feel like they understand that I have a testimony of eternal families and that MY eternal family is my #1 priority.
I love and respect my trainer and his wife and I am so going to miss training all the time, and the aspect of comraderie of working towards this goal. I had this last two months and it was really ALL about me. I would be lying if I said a big part of me didn't really LOVE that. But, when I look above and ahead at the eternal perspective, I know and understand that is not the way it is meant to be right now.
Some have said, "don't worry, you can do it later." Ya right! This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never wanted something so much, but wanted to quit the whole time as well. I have had totally conflicting emotions the whole time because it really has been SO hard. The 3 hours of training, the early mornings, the lack of sleep, the total restriciton of diet. Cold tilapia. Need I say more?
I know that I had to get here, to October 3rd 2011 to really and fully know that I am capable of finishing, and rocking that stage. I am capable, I could do it. That doesn't mean it is the right decision to do it.
I wrestled all night, wondering why the Lord wasn't giving me the overwhelming feeling of peace that told me "you are right, you need to stop." But as I called my Uncle this morning and talked through the feelings and promptings I have had, I realized it was just that. It was the answer I had been begging for all night. It was the assurance that I had made the decision that long term I could live with.
In ten years, I may totally regret not stepping on stage in those 5 inch heels and absolutly gorgeous blue blinged out suit (ahhhh, it really IS so pretty!!!). But I would rather live with that regret than the regret of in a month regretting finishing, at the rate that there is no promise of tomorow. That there is no guarantee that everything would be ok, that Satan wouldn't mettle in my marriage or in my family. I would rather take the risk of feeling a little sad and let down, then risk bringing the Advesary into my life.
I am the protector of my children, I am the lover of my husband. I am supposed to stand for that which is good and just and right. As I stood in front of my husband and my kids last night in my sparkly (ohhh the fabric, it's so gorgeous!) small suit, and my 4 year old said "mommy, you look beautiful... I want a swimming suit like that." My heart was pierced. I would never be ok with her wearing such a small suit, why on earth would I feel it ok to wear it as her mom? I am not ok with that.
I am ok with her seeing me strive everyday to take care of the body I have been given, I am more than ok with her seeing me fuel my body with healthy foods and not the "yucky" stuff, I am ok with her seeing how much I love her daddy and that he thinks I am the sexiest girl in the world. I am not ok with her thinking it is ok for other people to think I am the sexiest girl in the world. (Ya, know... cuz everyone totally woulda been thinking naughty of me in that thing cuz I rocked it!!!)
My hubs tried with his might to make me finish, but when I told him I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted and I needed him to support me and not try to change my mind he shot me a text back that made me smile brighter, jump higher, run faster, and thank every lucky star in the world he picked me...
"ok, I love you no matter what. You are a winner to me. You probably would have won first."
And that my friends is worth more than the biggest trophy ever will be. True, eternal love that does not end.
Please don't be disappointed in me. Please understand that my heart is in the best place it can be. Please understand that I am an advocate of pushing our bodies to do hard things, that I fully believe that we as women, wives and mothers-- we are capable of anything, and everything we set out minds to. And when we feel 100% ok with whatever it is, or even 90% ok with it, we need to push through.
Thank you for following my journey. Don't think its over. I am 127.9 lbs of 5 foot 5ness at around 13% body fat, and I have to make it back to a real life person again, who gets to choose her own food and her own workouts...
stay tuned.
Keep believing, smiling, working, and trying.
Monday, October 3, 2011
stinky Kid
Remember the stinky kid from school? Well I remember several. Preschool- Troy, he pooped his pants
middle school- Casey, he never took a shower
and about 5 million differerent people at the gym, and usually when I encounter these said people, I move and think angry thoughts about how a shower and deoderant never hurt anyone.
And I get equally irate by people who bathe in their cologne or perfume and come next to me while I am doing cardio. Weights not so much because I am not about to puke like I am on cardio.
Well, today I lifted late in the day because I thought that seemed easier. I remembered deoderant this morning, but as soon as I got to the gym and started lifting I noticed, I had b.o.
Sick!! K, Well note to self buy another stick and throw in gym bag.
So I just figured no one would notice I don't get that close to people I really have a bubble about 5 ft around so I really thought it would be ok.
Then I got on the stair climber and made it my ________(this is a naughty word here, but since my Gramma reads this I am cleanin up the language). I mean, I worked that stair climber like it hasn't been worked in a while I am sure. And there is a lady to my right on an eliptical, and a lady to my left on an eliptical. Both doin their thing. I notice the lady to my right kinda lookin at me a lot. Meh, she prolly just wonders why I am maxing this machine out like I own it. I don't notice the lady to my left looking at me, but all of a sudden she moves to an eliptical furthest away from me.
OMGosh?!!?!? I sorta like start freaking out!!! Can she smell me?! I mean it wasn't that bad a b.o.... or was it?! Oh gosh, I seriously wanted to ask her so bad "Um, excuse me mam? Why did you move elipticals?" Then I decided that made me seem a bit unconfident and needy so I didn't but seriously.... could she smell my armpits?
Or maybe I smelled like nasty tilapia. Ya know, the fish I have to eat every.friggin.day for meal 4? Omgosh you do not even understand how I loathe that meal. I mean, I really just want to starve myself for the 6 hours and skip it... but that wouldn't fuel my muscles yadayada it tastes like butt. And today the butt was cold and cooked 3 hours prior.
AHHHHHH I hate tilapia. Jon says "get used to it, salmons getting taken away soon and replaced with tilapia." omgosh I go back and forth between feeling hardcore cuz I am eating CRAP to feeling like an IDIOT cuz I am eating CRAP, that tastes like butt.
Anywho, please feel free to feel bad for me for being the stinky kid. And Troy or Casey, I am still not sorry I always wanted to gag and not sit by you or be your partner. I will use more deoderant, I hope by this point in life you are too.
That's all.
Oh, I picked up my posing suit today!!!! AHHHHHH it's so pretty!!!! Pics soon!!!
middle school- Casey, he never took a shower
and about 5 million differerent people at the gym, and usually when I encounter these said people, I move and think angry thoughts about how a shower and deoderant never hurt anyone.
And I get equally irate by people who bathe in their cologne or perfume and come next to me while I am doing cardio. Weights not so much because I am not about to puke like I am on cardio.
Well, today I lifted late in the day because I thought that seemed easier. I remembered deoderant this morning, but as soon as I got to the gym and started lifting I noticed, I had b.o.
Sick!! K, Well note to self buy another stick and throw in gym bag.
So I just figured no one would notice I don't get that close to people I really have a bubble about 5 ft around so I really thought it would be ok.
Then I got on the stair climber and made it my ________(this is a naughty word here, but since my Gramma reads this I am cleanin up the language). I mean, I worked that stair climber like it hasn't been worked in a while I am sure. And there is a lady to my right on an eliptical, and a lady to my left on an eliptical. Both doin their thing. I notice the lady to my right kinda lookin at me a lot. Meh, she prolly just wonders why I am maxing this machine out like I own it. I don't notice the lady to my left looking at me, but all of a sudden she moves to an eliptical furthest away from me.
OMGosh?!!?!? I sorta like start freaking out!!! Can she smell me?! I mean it wasn't that bad a b.o.... or was it?! Oh gosh, I seriously wanted to ask her so bad "Um, excuse me mam? Why did you move elipticals?" Then I decided that made me seem a bit unconfident and needy so I didn't but seriously.... could she smell my armpits?
Or maybe I smelled like nasty tilapia. Ya know, the fish I have to eat every.friggin.day for meal 4? Omgosh you do not even understand how I loathe that meal. I mean, I really just want to starve myself for the 6 hours and skip it... but that wouldn't fuel my muscles yadayada it tastes like butt. And today the butt was cold and cooked 3 hours prior.
AHHHHHH I hate tilapia. Jon says "get used to it, salmons getting taken away soon and replaced with tilapia." omgosh I go back and forth between feeling hardcore cuz I am eating CRAP to feeling like an IDIOT cuz I am eating CRAP, that tastes like butt.
Anywho, please feel free to feel bad for me for being the stinky kid. And Troy or Casey, I am still not sorry I always wanted to gag and not sit by you or be your partner. I will use more deoderant, I hope by this point in life you are too.
That's all.
Oh, I picked up my posing suit today!!!! AHHHHHH it's so pretty!!!! Pics soon!!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Just about DONE
So this is me in my Walmart eye and lip make up I hurriedly purchased last night. I think I like it best and it is closest to "me."I think I will try about one more time and then just go with it because honestly, the make up is super annoying to me. I don't like a lot of make up on my face, I am all ready SUPER struggling with trying to look sexy when I do my walk, poses, curtsy, yada yada that I really just don't even care too much about the makeup at this point.
I had a posing session tonight and my back poses were just sucking it up horrid. I couldn't get one right I swear. Husband came, which should have made me feel less nervous, but ended up making me feel more nervous.
I am so self conscious about myself. I am wearing 5 inch heels, I don't walk well in them. I can walk, I just don't strut well in them. I have only a few poses to remember but 5 things with each pose. Not to mention I am in a bikini and feel totally "out there"
I know it is not fun for my husband to see me in a small swim suit in front of another man, I know it wont be fun when I will be in that small suit in front of a crowd at the first show that he isn't able to attend, I know it will be slightly more fun for him to be at the second show and he will probably feel really proud of all we have accomplished getting ready for this show.
But right now, honestly. It just feels super awkward for both of us I think.
I have been getting through one meal at a time the past two days. I try to only focus on the next one. If I focus in terms of days I am getting really overwhelmed and stressed.
I am ready for this to be over.
My diet changed, my rice got cut in half. And my afternoon protein shake got changed to tilapia and spinach. Did you know that only in the past 6 months have I started eating fish? Deathly disgusted by it my whole life. Tilapia is pretty much nastiness and I have it every.single.day. And soon it will be twice a day, and then soon it will be all the live long freakin day at every meal.
Gag me now.
I can do this. Less than 4 weeks. I can do this.
I pick up my suit tomorow!! WEEEEE!!! I am excited to see it. And I was down to my lowest weight this morning.... dun dun dun 127.9. Jon took progress pics tonight, but didn't measure my body fat sadly. Ill post pics when i see them.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Different Eyes
This is what the Ulta girl did tonight, minus good mascara because they didnt have eyelash curlers, and my lips were brighter.
Stage Makeup
Oh my gosh I am seriously sooo far out of my element with make up. I usually use light shimmer, black eye liner and a little mascara.....
And for the stage I need more.
So I am playing with different stuff, this is me done at home with stuff I already have. I feel like I have black eyes. I just don't love this look but it looks WAY darker in person than the camera shows. Keep in mind I will be SUPER tanned as well. And my suit is royal blue not pinkish.
Me at home on my own
Then after a friend worked on my eyes a little bit. I still have to add fake eyelashes and better coverage face makeup. I just feel like it is WOW kinda clownish or something....
If you do makeup, or know makeup hook a sister up with some pointers!!!!
And for the stage I need more.
So I am playing with different stuff, this is me done at home with stuff I already have. I feel like I have black eyes. I just don't love this look but it looks WAY darker in person than the camera shows. Keep in mind I will be SUPER tanned as well. And my suit is royal blue not pinkish.
Me at home on my own
Then after a friend worked on my eyes a little bit. I still have to add fake eyelashes and better coverage face makeup. I just feel like it is WOW kinda clownish or something....
If you do makeup, or know makeup hook a sister up with some pointers!!!!
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