Emotional Coaster

I asked Big Jon today, if it is easy for him, the diet. I said "Do you just not think about food. Is it just fuel for you, and no emotions are tied to it."

He shook his head "yep."

Cuz I have texted him atleast 10 times this week saying one of these things...
"I want to chop my own arm off and eat it."
"I know I am only supposed to have 1 diet drink everyother day, and I am drinking my second right now. I can't stop"
"I want to lick my sons face, it is covered in ice cream"
"These fat people eating all this food at the fair are killing me"
"Are you sure there is no peanut butter in my diet?"

And then there were thoughts like these, that went unsaid...
"I am a stupid motha f$@$#% why did I tell people I am doing a figure show, now I can't back out. I don't want to back out, I want to do this. I don't want to be such a biotch though. I want to eat those oreos, bread, cake, cookies. And that peanut butter, and those bananas. I have to quit. I can't keep going, this is tooooo hard. I hate it. If it isn't fun I shouldn't be doing it. If I am being such a grump, my kids are going to hate me. What if someone die tomorow and I have been grumpy with them today, and that is how I will remember my last time with them. What if I die and all they remember is I am a grumpy mom? It's only 3 more months, I can do this. I can be happy. I can be nice. Then why am I so annoyed AGAIN? Why, why can't he stop crying or fussing at me. How many minutes on the stairs tomorow. DAMN I just want to be fat again. I want to eat oatmeal, right now. With blueberries, Take that Jon!!! Damn him. Damn me paying him money and now I am stuck. Better not order my shoes, I will prolly back out cuz this is TOOO hard. Better order my shoes before I back out. I want to look like this, I want to look better. Well then idiot, you have to eat like this. I don't want to eat like this. I am not hungry, what's the problem then? Why are you whining when you aren't hungry? I don't want to work out anymore either. I hate that friggin stair climber. I do like when people think I am cool for being on it though. I do like it when people notice I look better, I do like noticing I do look better. What's my weight? I don't friggin know I am only supposed to weigh two times a week and I am trying to waite til Friday but that makes me super annoyed so why am I such a goodie two shoes and doing everything exactly the way it is written? Because I want to look like I belong on stage, because I want to look better than most the other girls. Because I want to go big or go home. Those are my words. Why am I not living up to them? Why can't I just go on a mini vacation, why would I want a mini vacation when I can't eat junk food the whole time? Why do people go on vacation if they can't eat junk. Why does my life center around food. What the hell is wrong with me?"

In case you wondered what I have been thinking that is it. I went to facebook looking for some feedback. A couple girls I have become friends with have done or are doing shoes. And they are amazing and I don't remember ever hearing them whine. They gave me little pep talks that helped. It is nice to have some positive reinforcement. I just had a yumym dinner, 4 oz chicken seasoned super yummy. spinach salad and 1 cup of asparagus with olive oil and mustard. It was soo good. I want it again right now, but I get some eggs soon. Those will be good too.

I want to do this show. I want to prove to myself that I am capable. I want to look that good. I want to have a crazy a dark fake tan, fake nails, a small suit and big muscles. I WANT THIS. I want it, so I need to shut the heck up and think about how good it is going to feel to get up on that stage, a new person from the old me. I am ready to play nice again, to be positive and loving and to remind the people I love that I love them, and to act like it.

I hope tomorow is better than today, and Friday is better, and Saturday will be rocking because I have a girls day planned and a cheat meal too so it is gonna be great.

I got this. GO big or GO home. Nobody is holding me back, but me. It's all about me yo.