sub conscious

I had an epiphany this week as I was teaching boot camp. I looked in the mirror and saw a layer of fat over my abs, and a layer of fat over my leg muscles, and a layer of fat over my shoulder blades. I say a layer because it is no longer a large layer, it is now after all this work a rather small layer. I said to myself, that I have the power to choose who I am going to be as a coach and a instuctor. I am at that pivitol point in my health where I can push just a bit further and have those really really defined muscles that people notice, or I can sit where I am and maintain the muscle, and always look at the layer of fat that hides my sculpted muscle.

I decided I wanted to push. I mentally said, "I am going to push through and eliminate this layer of fat." Not by eating less, or by working out out more. But by eating food that fuels my body better, and by targeting these zones while I am at the gym. I am going to get rid of this fat. The fat that taunts the reflection I see in the mirror.

Then I don't know what the crap happened. I feel like I got engulfed in a bit of drama that I did not ask for, I had to work all day, my kids were noisey, I chose to stress over whether or not I get to keep teaching boot camp. And then, I found myself filling my stinkin mouth full of exactly what I had just told myself I wasn't going to eat. And even when I was obnoxiuosly full I decided to eat a little more.

I told Jared last night it was as if my subconscious was laughing in my face. I said I will do A, then instead B happened. I don't even know when or why or how it happened. But here I am today, getting ready to take family pictures feeling fat because the scale said 130 today instead of the 127 I like to see.

When the scale says 130, I think, "well I can't wear those new jeans anymore, they probably don't even fit." or "I can drink another diet soda, there is no calories in it." or "How do I have so little control that I can go from feeling clean and healthy inside because I have worked out, eaten a healthy day's worth of nourishing foods, to eating crap, crap, crap and then a little more crap?"

I beat myself up. I am my own worst critic. So are you. I know that. How do I change it? I know the power of positive thinking really works. I know that when I talk nice to myself I feel better and I exercise more self control, not to the point where I feel deprived, just to the point of feeling confident and in control. I know. I know. I know. But yet here I am on Sunday... feeling like I have to start all over on Monday.

This is one of those posts I wish I had the wisdom at the end to wrap it in a pretty package and present the answer to my readers. But I do not. I don't know how to fix it. I know people think I am insane to cry one bit of a tear over 130 lbs. I need the advice this time. I don't know how to fix it.