Bi Polar

FYI I am not making fun of people who are bi polar. But under my understanding of it, I really feel like sometimes I have it!!

One day I am go hung about this process and I am living in the moment, loving it. Eyes on the prize of being on a stage in a small royal blue sparkly bikini... and then outta no where I come home from a hardcore workout and I feel like I am going to kill someone if I don't eat some carbohydrates.

I have wanted to quit this whole thing like 30 times in the past 60 days. A good half of my time has been spent wishing I would have secretly signed up for this so I could secretly quit and not feel like an idiot.

Why do I always open my mouth?!

For the accountability. Welp, I got that. People know. I'd feel like an idiot if I quit. But last night I really REEALLY reallly wanted to.

I even tried to. I told my hubby I was done. And I had my phone ready to text Jon and break up with him too.

I mean, I am living for a cheat meal. Really, like I am living for it. The only thing getting me through the days is the fact that I know I have a cheat meal coming sometime soon.

Dude. That isn't even healthy is it?

I took 2 doses of caffiene yesterday. One pre 60 minutes of stairs (ya, girl. Rocked that workout). One pre 90 minute lifting legs and 30 more stairs. (yep, almost rocked that one too). But then I got home and I was jittery and crazy and I wanted to kill someone AND eat a lot of food.

I always think to myself. Why? Why do I want to eat this or that? What is it that I am looking for that I am not getting. NOTHING tastes that good. I just want to be able to eat whatever the crap I want. I hate hate hate that if I even eat a blueberry I am cheating on my nutrition. I do not like cheating. I do not like feeling like a cheater.

My hubby tried with all his might to keep me on the wagon, he really wants me to finish. He really thinks I'll regret if I quit.

I really think he is right. I really think that's what I wanted him to say, but at the same time I was hoping he would just say "enough, be done."

He didn't.

I mean, when I think about quitting half way through the process I feel like right NOW it would feel SOOO good, but in two months I feel like I would feel really sad. And I feel like in 10 years I will look back on these moments and be thankful for the opportunity and the process... more so than in ten years looking back and regretting the process and the occasion.

I was at the 24 hour club at 2 am this morning doing my stairs because I could not sleep. Note to self: I will not take caffiene after my morning session anymore ever. I know that is ridiculously weird that I was at the gym at 2 am. I know my body needs rest to recover and grow. Couldn't do it. I felt like the biggest freak in the entire world driving 2o minutes to get to the stair climber. I was wide awake though.

I thought, pondered, worried, stewed the whole time. How am I going to finish this? I don't want to. But I don't want to quit. I want to wear a sparkly bikini and I want to be proud of what I accomplished. I just HATE the process that gets me there.

Is that weird to finish? Really. What would you do? I am just curious because I see other people's blogs and it really does seem so easy for them, and I just can't figure out for the life of me, WHY this is sooooo hard for me. It really is, it is so hard.

I thought it was going to be easy. I read about girls binging, I thought they were weak. I read about girls chewing gum all day, thought they were weird... and now I chew gum all day. I hear about skinny girls saying they are fat, looking for attention. Dude, I don't think they are. I really think they think they are fat. I am not fat, but I still feel like I have sooo far to go-- how can I ever be ready in 5 weeks for show 1? That is like, basically 5 workouts per body part left.

I think I am going to a posing session with my trainer this weekend which is when I believe he is going to evaluate if I will be stage ready in 5 weeks.

Wow. I sorta can't believe it. I sorta need some advice. I really need to get rid of any cheat meals I may deserve at 127 because it is so close.

I am crazy. Every.other.stinkin.day. I do not know why. But this is one, nope, pretty sure this is THE hardest thing I have ever done. Sorry to whine, again.