July 1, 2011 when I started with Big Jon
October 4th, 4 am front pose with goofy hand placement
totally wrong back pose with my shoulder blades popping out like a crazy woman. My back is supposed to look flat
Relaxed Pose
Front Pose with goofy hands, but I wanted to get a good image of my stomach area.Oh man, this is the hardest post ever to write. I keep wanting to avoid it, but that leads to the false impression I am busy at work getting ready for a figure show in 3.5 weeks.
And, that my friends, I am not.
I put in my letter of resignation last night. I have been wrestling for a month with these small signals I keep receiving from my Heavenly Father. I kept pushing them aside, thinking that I could focus for just a "bit" longer and make it through. Then I could go back to being the attentive wife and loving mom I have always been. Then I could go back to balancing and focusing on the "important" things in life and no harm would be done.
I took my husband to my posing session this weekend and although he outwardly tried to be tough, it was extrememly hard for him to see me in a swim suit, and to think about me being on a stage in front of LOTS of people, in an even smaller swim suit, looking even more sexy than (he) already thinks I am.
I have felt promptings from different occasions that have said I am chasing something that is over my head, that is asking for trouble. I have spent a rather large amount of money to get here, only two months and a week into training, with a month to go and about 400 dollars more to spend, that could really be put to better use for my family else where. I feel like I have put my husband in a situation that he isn't comfortable, but as he takes one for our "team" and grins and bears it, I have realized that I am not being the kind of wife I want to be by making him do that.
I am not being the kind of mom I want to be by being grumpy, irritable, and totally focused on myself. If something were to happen to me or one of them tomorow, I wouldn't be satisfied with the way things have been going. I don't feel like they know how much I love them because of the actions and reactions I have had in the past two months. I don't feel like they understand that I have a testimony of eternal families and that MY eternal family is my #1 priority.
I love and respect my trainer and his wife and I am so going to miss training all the time, and the aspect of comraderie of working towards this goal. I had this last two months and it was really ALL about me. I would be lying if I said a big part of me didn't really LOVE that. But, when I look above and ahead at the eternal perspective, I know and understand that is not the way it is meant to be right now.
Some have said, "don't worry, you can do it later." Ya right! This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never wanted something so much, but wanted to quit the whole time as well. I have had totally conflicting emotions the whole time because it really has been SO hard. The 3 hours of training, the early mornings, the lack of sleep, the total restriciton of diet. Cold tilapia. Need I say more?
I know that I had to get here, to October 3rd 2011 to really and fully know that I am capable of finishing, and rocking that stage. I am capable, I could do it. That doesn't mean it is the right decision to do it.
I wrestled all night, wondering why the Lord wasn't giving me the overwhelming feeling of peace that told me "you are right, you need to stop." But as I called my Uncle this morning and talked through the feelings and promptings I have had, I realized it was just that. It was the answer I had been begging for all night. It was the assurance that I had made the decision that long term I could live with.
In ten years, I may totally regret not stepping on stage in those 5 inch heels and absolutly gorgeous blue blinged out suit (ahhhh, it really IS so pretty!!!). But I would rather live with that regret than the regret of in a month regretting finishing, at the rate that there is no promise of tomorow. That there is no guarantee that everything would be ok, that Satan wouldn't mettle in my marriage or in my family. I would rather take the risk of feeling a little sad and let down, then risk bringing the Advesary into my life.
I am the protector of my children, I am the lover of my husband. I am supposed to stand for that which is good and just and right. As I stood in front of my husband and my kids last night in my sparkly (ohhh the fabric, it's so gorgeous!) small suit, and my 4 year old said "mommy, you look beautiful... I want a swimming suit like that." My heart was pierced. I would never be ok with her wearing such a small suit, why on earth would I feel it ok to wear it as her mom? I am not ok with that.
I am ok with her seeing me strive everyday to take care of the body I have been given, I am more than ok with her seeing me fuel my body with healthy foods and not the "yucky" stuff, I am ok with her seeing how much I love her daddy and that he thinks I am the sexiest girl in the world. I am not ok with her thinking it is ok for other people to think I am the sexiest girl in the world. (Ya, know... cuz everyone totally woulda been thinking naughty of me in that thing cuz I rocked it!!!)
My hubs tried with his might to make me finish, but when I told him I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted and I needed him to support me and not try to change my mind he shot me a text back that made me smile brighter, jump higher, run faster, and thank every lucky star in the world he picked me...
"ok, I love you no matter what. You are a winner to me. You probably would have won first."
And that my friends is worth more than the biggest trophy ever will be. True, eternal love that does not end.
Please don't be disappointed in me. Please understand that my heart is in the best place it can be. Please understand that I am an advocate of pushing our bodies to do hard things, that I fully believe that we as women, wives and mothers-- we are capable of anything, and everything we set out minds to. And when we feel 100% ok with whatever it is, or even 90% ok with it, we need to push through.
Thank you for following my journey. Don't think its over. I am 127.9 lbs of 5 foot 5ness at around 13% body fat, and I have to make it back to a real life person again, who gets to choose her own food and her own workouts...
stay tuned.
Keep believing, smiling, working, and trying.
And, that my friends, I am not.
I put in my letter of resignation last night. I have been wrestling for a month with these small signals I keep receiving from my Heavenly Father. I kept pushing them aside, thinking that I could focus for just a "bit" longer and make it through. Then I could go back to being the attentive wife and loving mom I have always been. Then I could go back to balancing and focusing on the "important" things in life and no harm would be done.
I took my husband to my posing session this weekend and although he outwardly tried to be tough, it was extrememly hard for him to see me in a swim suit, and to think about me being on a stage in front of LOTS of people, in an even smaller swim suit, looking even more sexy than (he) already thinks I am.
I have felt promptings from different occasions that have said I am chasing something that is over my head, that is asking for trouble. I have spent a rather large amount of money to get here, only two months and a week into training, with a month to go and about 400 dollars more to spend, that could really be put to better use for my family else where. I feel like I have put my husband in a situation that he isn't comfortable, but as he takes one for our "team" and grins and bears it, I have realized that I am not being the kind of wife I want to be by making him do that.
I am not being the kind of mom I want to be by being grumpy, irritable, and totally focused on myself. If something were to happen to me or one of them tomorow, I wouldn't be satisfied with the way things have been going. I don't feel like they know how much I love them because of the actions and reactions I have had in the past two months. I don't feel like they understand that I have a testimony of eternal families and that MY eternal family is my #1 priority.
I love and respect my trainer and his wife and I am so going to miss training all the time, and the aspect of comraderie of working towards this goal. I had this last two months and it was really ALL about me. I would be lying if I said a big part of me didn't really LOVE that. But, when I look above and ahead at the eternal perspective, I know and understand that is not the way it is meant to be right now.
Some have said, "don't worry, you can do it later." Ya right! This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never wanted something so much, but wanted to quit the whole time as well. I have had totally conflicting emotions the whole time because it really has been SO hard. The 3 hours of training, the early mornings, the lack of sleep, the total restriciton of diet. Cold tilapia. Need I say more?
I know that I had to get here, to October 3rd 2011 to really and fully know that I am capable of finishing, and rocking that stage. I am capable, I could do it. That doesn't mean it is the right decision to do it.
I wrestled all night, wondering why the Lord wasn't giving me the overwhelming feeling of peace that told me "you are right, you need to stop." But as I called my Uncle this morning and talked through the feelings and promptings I have had, I realized it was just that. It was the answer I had been begging for all night. It was the assurance that I had made the decision that long term I could live with.
In ten years, I may totally regret not stepping on stage in those 5 inch heels and absolutly gorgeous blue blinged out suit (ahhhh, it really IS so pretty!!!). But I would rather live with that regret than the regret of in a month regretting finishing, at the rate that there is no promise of tomorow. That there is no guarantee that everything would be ok, that Satan wouldn't mettle in my marriage or in my family. I would rather take the risk of feeling a little sad and let down, then risk bringing the Advesary into my life.
I am the protector of my children, I am the lover of my husband. I am supposed to stand for that which is good and just and right. As I stood in front of my husband and my kids last night in my sparkly (ohhh the fabric, it's so gorgeous!) small suit, and my 4 year old said "mommy, you look beautiful... I want a swimming suit like that." My heart was pierced. I would never be ok with her wearing such a small suit, why on earth would I feel it ok to wear it as her mom? I am not ok with that.
I am ok with her seeing me strive everyday to take care of the body I have been given, I am more than ok with her seeing me fuel my body with healthy foods and not the "yucky" stuff, I am ok with her seeing how much I love her daddy and that he thinks I am the sexiest girl in the world. I am not ok with her thinking it is ok for other people to think I am the sexiest girl in the world. (Ya, know... cuz everyone totally woulda been thinking naughty of me in that thing cuz I rocked it!!!)
My hubs tried with his might to make me finish, but when I told him I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted and I needed him to support me and not try to change my mind he shot me a text back that made me smile brighter, jump higher, run faster, and thank every lucky star in the world he picked me...
"ok, I love you no matter what. You are a winner to me. You probably would have won first."
And that my friends is worth more than the biggest trophy ever will be. True, eternal love that does not end.
Please don't be disappointed in me. Please understand that my heart is in the best place it can be. Please understand that I am an advocate of pushing our bodies to do hard things, that I fully believe that we as women, wives and mothers-- we are capable of anything, and everything we set out minds to. And when we feel 100% ok with whatever it is, or even 90% ok with it, we need to push through.
Thank you for following my journey. Don't think its over. I am 127.9 lbs of 5 foot 5ness at around 13% body fat, and I have to make it back to a real life person again, who gets to choose her own food and her own workouts...
stay tuned.
Keep believing, smiling, working, and trying.
8 comments:
I could only imagine how difficult your decision must have been. You have worked so hard and look absolutely amazing, I think your hubby was right...you would have totally won! You are a great mommy and a good example to me.
You look fabulous! Absolutley wonderful and it't the journey that truly counts! You are a winner in my book. Keep it up. It's a lifestyle you really want!
I was reading something that really hit home with me the other day on Facebook and maybe this will help you as well. I just love it! It's from Coach Scott Abel....
Coach Scott Abel
"I want to compete because I want to take my body to another level" - but its not another level - not a "better" one - if it cannot be sustained then how is it another level? - depriving your life for months to take your body to 'another level' - makes no sense when it takes your life to another level as well - another level of hell!
Courtney, thank you! You are always so sweet and positive, your encouragement means so much to me.
And get it girl, I have tried to comment on your blog a million times! I love it and think you are great! You looked amazing at your show and are such an inspiration to me of a real mom who is gorgeous and really does, do it all. I can never comment though, it always kicks me out so I am happy to see you have seen my blog and know I stalk you. Thanks, on the Scott Able thing... that really puts things into perspecitve for me right now. very true for me personally! Thank you!
Teri I am SO SO SO proud of you!! It takes a lot of faith and courage to follow God's plan when it's not yours...seriously, you made my heart happy tonight. =)I have been praying for you and I am glad you came to peace with all of this. You are right, your family is #1 and that is the ONLY thing you get to take with you after this life...not a trophy. You.are.amazing!! Enjoy the break and "normal" life, I can't wait to read about your new journey. And we HAVE to get together at Thanksgiving time. Proud of you Teri.
I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. There is nothing more fabulous than a woman staking her claim and doing what she knows to be best and being the very best that she can be.
THAT is exactly what you are doing.
You don't need a cute suit, hot body, or 5 inch heels to show the whole world what a champion you are. All you need is your heart. You have a lion heart; let it roar.
Here to listen ANY time.
Keep being amazing, that is all that is required stage or no stage.
Wow, Teri, what a tough decision you had to make, I'm sure it wasn't easy at all. I love everything you said though, it all rings true with me. Life is about balance, though sometimes that is so hard. You look awesome, by the way!
I just happened upon your blog. I could relate on so many levels... I had a husband with the same reactions but I didn't understand them at the time... I am now divorced but for other reasons that for so many years could not be fixed. I did stop competing after the divorce, had trouble with normal... your post above, I had similar letters to my trainer. After a regain in weight I am back to training like I did when I competed. I love it, I always loved it... but I went through a whole right and wrong feel about the tiny suit, my pictures... I took them all down, even though I was so proud of them. I didn't look at them like a man looks at them. I guess I didn't understand the male perspective. I love your post, I can totally relate.
As always....Love you and am Proud of you!
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