I'm baaaccck!

Well Hello,

Thanks to all 4 of you who were concerned that my blog went private and you weren't invited to view it. Thanks for worrying about me!!!


I made it private to everyone because I needed to take a little break. I wasn't ready to delete it, I need to print it and keep it all for my journal experience. And I wasn't sure if I might decide to come back and be mature on here again.

I got a love/hate letter from one of my very best friend after my last post. I deleted it, or I'd share it here with you because it really was helpful/productive for me to read, although it hurt at the time.

It said something like "wake the heck up, stop complaining, stop whining. You are barbie size (really, she obviously hasn't seen Barbie, barbie is anorexic with no mucles... so she was really lucky at this point I didn't go taekwondo on her.... I am freaking buff yo!) if you eat crap, you gain weight. You know that. There are people everywhere who are working their butts off that have a lot of weight to loose and you are complaining over 5 lbs. That post doesn't sound like the you I know. You are resentful that your world is revolving around your family, that is how it should be isn't it? I don't think it's the food that is the problem, what is the root. How do you feel? You are beautiful and I think you need to pray to Heavenly Father to see yourself the way he sees you."

Dude.

I cried, a little. Then I thought about being mean to her!! Then I read it again, and again, and again.

And I realized she was right. That wasn't me. My whole personality wasn't really me anymore. So I needed a break to remember who I was, who I wanted to be, and how I was going to accomplish this task of getting back to being that girl.

I haven't done that well really. I have tried a little bit hard though.

I am still eating not as healthy as I should be. I am still indulging too much. I am still training hard at the gym. I weigh 136.7 pounds, which is almost 9 lbs higher than my lowest weight.

But I am not sweating it. I have been facing my food fears. hehe that sounds a little crazy. But I have been working so hard on taking the "Guilt" away from food. If I eat, I don't think about it again. I try to just enjoy what I am having, and I remind myself that this is a season of life and there are going to be more seasons and more opportunity's for growth and change.

I can cry about the bad choices, or I can be proud of the good ones, and work harder to be my best self in the next moment I am given.

There really are so many people out there who aren't as blessed with a frame they love, or who have sicknesses, or ailments that prevent them from losing weight, from exercising or from choosing to be healthy. (Ok, don't go crazy here, I also think some people are lazy and they choose to use excuses of health problems to be fat. Oh, that word is so harsh. You get my drift. sorry).

So, right now, today I am working on balancing life and being my best self. That was my motto for ever and a day ago and I sorta forgot. But I am only here, on this earth- in this home- in this family- on this journey to make myself into the best possible person I can become, in order to return to live in Heaven with my Father above at the end.

I can work to be my best in all apsects of my life and to balance all the things that are important to me, keeping them in line with what is important to the Lord.

So it's a new journey right here. This blog will probably continue to be a journal of mine, but I will also throw in some inspiration for you, some tips maybe, and some stories. Because that is interesting, and inspiring. Sometimes I come to this blog just to see what the people on my side bar are doing, because I need a little extra push to get moving to make a good healthy choice... and if I can be that extra push for any of you- well then that is something I can be proud of.

Just a little food for thought: Today was the day of my first show I was prepping for, I am ok with it. Only posting to tell you my trainer won 1'st place in his class for body building!! I am so excited! He is a dream of a trainer and has worked his butt off to transform his body from a strong man competitor to a body builder. He really looks amazing. I am so stoked for him, see his blog on my side bar if you are interested.