Resentment

Welp, it finally came out today.

The resentment I said I wouldn't have. The resentment I didn't want to have. My hubs was worried I would be mad at him later, that I would resent him for making me feel like I should quit.

Trainer told me I was going to be resentful.

NAAAA, I am loving, kind, generous.... yadayada.

Well, I am those things. But today I am feeling just a tad bit of resentment.

It is probably an accumulation of dropping out of the show, going back to a regular person who eats regular food, the hubby being gone and me flying solo for the past 96 hours with the kids.

But today, I admit it. I am a little bit pissed. I am a little bit angry. I am a little annoyed that everyone I was so worried I was disappointing or leaving out are too busy for me today, on a day where I need someone to be there. But, everyone's busy living their own lives. Which is what I was doing up until 2 weeks ago.

I was insanely busy. I was bustling kids around, I had a messy house, I was exhausted, I didn't have enough time... but I was busy with something that had to do with ME. And I had shoulder caps that rocked my world, my upper abs were poppin out and my face was sunken in and skinny. Right now I am running around, busy, tired, pissed, overwhelmed and absolutly none of that has a darn thing to do with me. AND my abs are gone, my face is swollen and my shoulder caps are gone.

And I am a little annoyed about it.

I saw an old friend from high school tonight. It isn't like I wanted to impress him. I am, in fact a happily married woman to the hottest guy around.... but I found myself wishing I had ran into this kid from high school two weeks ago, when I looked good.

And today I was killing the blasted stair mill and one of the trainers said, "I hear you are eating food again." I laughed, I said "What gave it away? My abs are gone, my face is filled out and you can't find a shoulder cap?" He said "You mean you look normal?"

Dude. It hurt. I don't want to look normal and work this hard. I don't want to look normal after I just worked my ass off for two and a half months, to just look normal seems like such a huge disappointment.

So, here I am. I watched Private Practice right now and there was an alcoholic on the show at an AA meeting and I TOTALLY related to what she had to say...

"I am totally embarrassed, disappointed and ashamed that today is day 1, again."

Ok, maybe it that wasn't exactly what she said, but you get the gyst. I have told myself every night, tomorow is the day I am going to get back on track. I gained 8 lbs in the past almost two weeks. 8 pounds can go away QUICKLY if I just get my ass back in gear and eat like I am supposed to. If I follow the nutrition plan Jon set up for me.

But every day, I run into a "cookie" which turns into 10. Or my mom wants to go out to lunch. Or I eat 3 bowls of cereal before bed. Or grab another handful of "healthy" almonds. (Ya they are healthy if I eat 8, not 28)

Holy crap why is this so hard? I don't even want to eat that crap. When I type it I am truly disgusted with myself.

When I look in the mirror I am truly disgusted with myself. I was teaching bootcamp last night and I finally had to turn away from the mirror because I was really so close to crying it was ridiculous.

A part of me is mad at my husband. He likes my body from 2 weeks ago, correction.. he LOVES my body from two weeks ago. That's good right? But I don't want to eat like a figure competitor if I am not going to BE a figure competitor. So I want to eat more crap. Yet, I do want to look like a figure competitor.

That doesn't even make sense when I read it. I think there is a term for this sort of odd behavior.

SELF SABOTAGE. I am going to get the definition for that, hold please....

whatever it took me to a blog and it was way too long to insert here.

I don't know the definition, but to me it means I keep eating crap that I think will make me happy, but actually it makes me happy for a small moment and then it makes me very, very sad because I can see it leaving a dimple on the back of my leg or another roll on my stomach or adding another pound to the scale tomorow morning.

So there you have it. Another eyore of a post from your's truly. I mean, there was a day and a time when I was the most upbeat happy person you would have ever met. But lately, I am the friggin rain on the parade. And I want to stop. I have always believed two things. 1. You are responsible for your own happiness. 2. If you are having a crappy day, you can choose to see the good and make it a better day. Oh and 3. There are only a select few people in your life that really care what kind of day you are having.

I really hope I can gain some sense of control, that I can choose to say no to the crap food that is screwing up my image in the mirror, and I can remember that for the most part my life is pretty dang good. And I do have a lot more to be thankful for than not.

So here is my happy face. I will fake it til I make it for the rest of the night.