5.2.2011

took my after picture on Saturday morning from finishing the April Challenge put on with thegetinshapegirl.com. I didn't really get a chance to look at the photos because I was off to work, and then Sunday came and my little girl was sick. We spent the day together vegging out. When I say vegging out that of course, includes, eating like a fat person at a buffet. I really went crazy. The pictures were done, the challenge was over, and I let loose. Why? I do not know. I felt like crap the entire weekend of it. My stomach was bloaded and hurting, but that didn't stop me from eating one more cookie, every time I walked past the freaking jar. I went to bed last night, resloved to start a fresh day this morning when I woke up. Well, obviously that wasn't possible becaues my husband forgot to take the remaining cookies to work. So I absolutly had to eat another three of them, before I gained control and stopped. I had a half serving of my healthy old fashioned oats and decided to come check the net out to try and find some motivation to STOP THE MADNESS of eating like a crazy girl. Who eats cookies for breakfast? Fat people who can't stop-- eat cookies for breakfast. I worked so hard this month and honestly I am really happy with my pictures. Why then would I stuff my face full of crap and make myself literally sick? Because I have low self control. Because I get tired of worrying about it. I don't know what the answer is for me. I am constantly trying to find the balance in my life between being a mom, wife, and health nut. I want to be the best at all those things. When I search the internet I find all sorts of inspiration, and a lot of that inspiration comes from fitness models, who are getting paid to look fantastic, and who eat clean all day every day except and I quote "on their birthday or the major holidays." Then I start to obsess internally if I could be that person who does that. 100% all the time except on these big occasions. I could do it. I could do it. I could. Couldn't I? But why? My stomach will still be lined with stretch marks, a reminder of the two beautiful children I carried. I will still be running around doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms and building my family up. Is it necessary to be a perfect eater in order to do the things I really, truly think are important in my life? No. It isn't. Can I be happy with where I am today fitness and nutrition wise? No, I can't not. Where is the freaking balance? Today my goal is this. Eat clean and healthy the rest of the day. Get to the gym tonight when my hubby gets home and do a back/bicep/ 3o minutes of HIIT running. The rest of the week my goal is to eat clean, continue my workouts and realize that everyday is not a reason to indulge in unhealthy food that makes me feel sick. Right now I keep burping the acidic after math of my diet dr pepper, that I chose to drink because my pictures looked better, and they looked better drinking 1 or 2 sodas every day through the month.. so why would I give it up? I like it. I do not like burping acid in my mouth, is it worth it to drink it? What the hell, I just do not know. My other goal? I want to steer clear of these indulgences for a week. A whole week. I do not want to indulge in yucky, high fat, high sugar crap for one whole week. I had enough chocolate chip cookies to last a lifetime this weekend. And I am done now. I will make it through the week, through my Race for the Cure (woop woop!), a birthday party for my little girls friend, a graduation party, and mothers day with out an indulgence. It is only food. And I can do it. And I can do it without feeling deprived because as I am learning... there is always another day for indulgence, and I can look foward to another day-- after this week.