Body Image

Today I was asked a question that I have given some serious thought to. I am going to try and relay my feelings, the information I have learned, and everything in between.
One of our challengers said that if she remembered correctly I had always really struggled with weight, and wondered when-who and what has pushed me over sorta to the other side of being fit.
First of all, this challenger lives far away and has never seen me in person. She has seen pictures and we have corressponded for several months through fitness and health over the internet. She thinks I am a little cooler, a little thinner, and a little buffer than I really am. Internet has a way of doing that huh?! (But I secretly really like that about her haha)
 So my story is sorta like this.

I saw this picture from Christmas 2009, two months after my son was born and decided something had to change. January 1st 2010 was my first official start day to making fitness and health a priority-- not to mention I never wanted to see a picture of my face like that again.

So I started going to the gym and making goals for myself. The first of which was to run 3 miles, then the commitment to run a half marathon race in July of 2010.

That brought me to about August of 2010, which is when I discovered take shape for life. I had still been doing a TON of cardio (About an hour or hour and a half 5 or 6 days per week.) I was eating but as I have spent my whole life doing, trying to out train the bad diet that I had. Processed foods, eating out, junk was a good part of my day-- although I did keep calories in check. I was just not eating "good" calories.





10 lbs lighter and I felt so much better. At my thinnest (with little muscle tone) I was at 127 lbs. I always felt fat though. If I were put in a room of 10 other people I always FELT like the big, broad shouldered girl. So frusterating. I was spending 10 or 11 hours each week and yet, I still felt fluffy. And I was only eating around 1000-1200 calories a day.
I set out for my next goal of becoming a group fitness instructor. I learned a lot, I searched the internet high and low and I began learning about lifting weights and eating clean. I found the get in shape girl on the web and she narrowed my focus to weights and taught me about the cold hard facts-- I COULD NOT OUT TRAIN A BAD DIET. ( And neither can you :o( )

So I started training with the get in shape girl and cleaned up my diet.






I got to here with her...

I trained with Big Jon, bodybuilding guru for 3 months and he got me here...

And Looking at those pictures, I feel so good. I feel like I looked really good. But at the time, I felt fat. I still felt like the big girl in the room. I still only saw stretch marks and saggy skin on my stomach. For two months prior to this picture I ate a strict, strict, strict diet of lean meat and little variety. I was at the gym for about 3 hours 5 days a week and 1 hour the 6th day. This was intense. I quit right after this picture was taken and haven been on "vacation" from eating what I should be since, which is right about three months.

I took a progress picture last week, and I really DIDN'T want to share it. It is embarrassing, it is humbling, it is sad. It hurts to look at it, and it hurts to show it. My heart hurts bad seeing it, yet again. But, it's real life. Its part of the cycle that we all face and when we aren't careful it is what we let ourselves become.

The difference from finishing with Jon in October 2011 to today is 12 lbs different. 128 at my lowest and 140 today. Granted these pictures were taken right after a vacation and lots of sugar. They look a "little" worse than they really are.

I started right after the first of the year with you all, getting back to clean eating and lifting weights. I am following Jamie Easons free live fit trainer from bodybuilding.com and I am hoping I will see good progress with it. The thing is, is that the nutrition is extremely clean but varied. So I have to figure out how my body responds to the variety. I have figured out that I respond well to strict diet, but I got a little sick of living life like that-- so strict and no room for error.

It seems like my whole life has been that way. I have to work extremely hard, I would venture to say, harder than the average person to look the way I look. If I didn't spend 10-12 hours in the gym each week, I assure you I would look nothing like ANY of these pictures. I have to be very very careful about the food I eat.

So when I really put it out there and I tell you what has made the difference between the bad pictures, the ok pictures, and the good pictures the KEY is nutrition. It is for-going "bad" food. It is eating chicken breast, brown rice and broccoli for lunch every day. It is never eating sugar. It is always saying no to anything other than extremely lean foods. It is busting my butt at the gym, I always lift for an hour to an hour and a half and it is 30 minutes of hardcore HIIT on the treadmill or stair climber. It is hard work and precision. It is extreme. It is not liveable every day of my life.

As I reflect on each of those pictures too, I am reminded that in each one, I was suprised how much better the picture looked than I felt like I looked. Distored body image I think a high percentage of us have. I have it. I am trying to learn to deal with it. I am extremely grateful for this body, for the functions in performs, for allowing me to have beautiful children, for pushing through grueling workouts. I am extrememly grateful, but I am also extrememly hard on this ol girl. I am quick to say something negative (in my head), I am quick to notice every frickin flaw I have. I will never be able to maintain that 11 or 12% body fat I was at in October 2011 unless I give up on food and give up on ever enjoying it.

Do not trick yourself into thinking that if you lose 10 lbs, lose 20 lbs, lose 50 lbs you will be happy. You will be happier, yes. You will be healthier, yes. But I really think that human nature is to not be satisfied-- that can drive us hard and keep us thirsty for sucess, but it can also be really damaging to ones image.

I am trying daily to keep in focus the important things, and allow myself to appreciate the good things, while striving to "ignore" the imperfections that I do have.

As I look in the mirror this week, I see a swollen puffy reflection. As I look down at my own arms I see definition and muscle tone. I realize that the two pictures are so different and it is irritating as hell. I try and remember my own advice to you, to realize that the reflection is much better than your eyes are showing but it is a daily struggle to remind myself and BELIEVE that.

So, because I am still struggling-- and probably always will struggle with body image I don't have a lot of advice to offer other than work hard. Commit to yourself to keep working and realize that you are a work in progress, just like the rest of us. And remember that perfection is not attainable, so try and feel gratitiude with what you DO have, and at the end of the day-- realize that in the eyes of the Lord, you truly are a perfect masterpiece.