Fear

My husband and I made a little pact the day of thanksgiving, we would enjoy treats that day- but come Friday we were swearing them off until Christmas Eve.

That is about a month. 30 days no sugar. Totally doable.

I have felt good- no intense cravings. Like I read on a post, we don't naturally crave sugar. Just like everyone doesn't crave alcohol (Those who don't drink), drugs (those who don't do them), or caffiene (those who don't partake). We teach ourselves to crave them by continuing to consume them. So therefore, we can teach ourselves not to crave sugar by avoiding it.

I ate well all weekend. Not exactly on my meal plan-- but honestly my meal plan is becomming something of the past. It isn't ideal for me to have to eat perfectly at every meal on this plan. I can still make good, clean choices though and that I have been doing.

So then, why do my underwear feel so tight? Why do my pants feel tight? Why does my skin feel looser?

I went to bed feeling fat. I woke up feeling fat. I am sitting here feeling fat. I did feel ok at the gym this morning though.

I asked my husband why he thinks this is? Why do I feel so fat? Even at 128lbs I felt fat, that is 10 lbs less than now. So what is so wrong with me mentally that I feel fat?

Is it the fact that I strive for perfection? Is it the fact that I compare myself to everyone around me and I still feel like the chubby kid on the inside? Is it the fact that I do not want to be egotistical and admit that I look good?

I remember that my mom has always lacked confidence in herself. I remember as a young girl thinking she was skinny but her always not feeling skinny. I think now as an adult that it drives me crazy she doesn't realize how pretty and what a nice body she has for being 52. I think all the time how lucky I will feel if I look as good as she does at 52.

Did she accidently teach me to lack confidence? It can't really be blamed on her at this point because I am a freaking adult and I know better. But still, do we as a society of women FEAR being ok, being good, being great? Do we subconsiously put ourselves down out of fear of others thinking we are egotistical?

Do I do this?

I think to myself on one hand, "it is ridiculous to wear a size 5 pant, workout everyday, have muscle tone and feel fat," I also think to myself "who cares if you are fat, you are a mom and moms aren't supposed to be skinny."

If I see someone else at my size or even bigger I almost always think they look great. Why are we, women so hard on ourselves. Why is it ok to feel fat? It might be better to not feel anything at all. To be indifferent to the way I look.

I don't have an answer today. It is one of those days I really really wish I did. I always tell people to look in the mirror and realize that they look 100% better than they "think" they look as they see their reflection. We are our own worst critic. I know this. But yet, I am still sitting here feeling fat.

It isn't healthy, their is no cause or effect. It just is what it is. I have always felt this way on the inside, and as a younger me-- I was fat on the outside too. I am thinner on the outside now, but on the inside I still feel like that overweight girl. Will that ever subside? I do not know.