Had to think about it

So, I have been thinking about this post since Monday night when I sorta had a bit of a panic attack. I have been so real and open on this blog, so I have wondered if I would be doing anyone justice by posting my freak out session. I don't want to be a downer. I want to build people up. I want to say that I am 100% on to being a healthy fitness junky but that isn't the truth. I decided to go ahead and let myself post because maybe it will help someone realize they aren't alone. That it isn't always easy and that it is ok. Being healthy and fit is about a collection of choices. Not one here or one there. It is a lifestyle, and the truth is that life is chaotic and stressful and no body can be on all the time. I had been doing so awesome following my clean eating guidelines. It had been over a week of consistent clean eating. I love this clean eating and the schedule that I follow with it because I am able to eat so many more calories than I used to limit myself to. I am trying to lean out, gain muscle so I am focusing on eating whole grain carbs in moderation and lots of protein and vegetables. Friday night came and I thought I could afford a small cheat. So I had some frozen yogurt. I had another almost perfect day Saturday, but decided to go out for Mexican food and have chips and salsa with blue corn tacos. The problem with that is I really like that, and I don't stick to portion sizes. Then Sunday I had another little cheat, and Monday again. I tried to go to sleep Monday but I could not shut my freaking brain off. I was like a crazy pin ball inside my own body going and going and going. I was freaking out about all the chocolate chips I had just eaten. Freaking out I couldn't just stick to my guidelines. Freaking out my after picture will look the same as my before. Freaking out that I am saying one thing and doing another. Freaking out that I can't cheat once, that I can't just stop once I start. That I just keep going. Freaking out that I just want to freaking eat crap food. Freaking out that I just don't ever want to enter the freaking gym or freaking run ever, again. That was a whole lot of freaking out. I re read my written goals, I scoured the internet for motivation. Have to find my motivation. My mind would not stop. I almost felt like throwing up I was such a mess. Then I was starting to freak out that I was freaking out so much, what is this.. the beginning of an ugly disorder I don't want to go down. I am a mom, a role model, I am not even super skinny so it can't be that, why can't I stop freaking out? Well what the hell is wrong with me then? I am freaking out typing this. I feel my heart starting to race again. I sent an email to my getinshapegirl.com friend. I asked her how she does it. She is training for a fitness competition and is teeny tiny. How does she do it all the time? And she is eating way less choices than I am right now. And how does she motivate everyone else all the time for a living? Why is this all of a sudden so hard for me? Why after all this time am I freaking out? Maybe because I feel like I am on the verge of really transforming? Maybe because I am scared I will fail and my body just isn't the type that can look like those fit girls? Maybe because I am scared I really am destined to be the chunky girl for the rest of my life? Maybe because I am just sick of worrying about how everyone feels all the time? I finally settled down enough to rest through the night. I got ready (I start that process at nap time for the kids about 2pm, class is at 6pm) to teach my class Tuesday night. I had the windows open all day, the blinds up and as much light in my house as would allow. I took the kids outside FOREVER to play. I needed the light. I felt dark and yucky inside and things weren't feeling good. I didn't even want to teach. That has never happened. I wanted to cancel the class because I was freaking out for 1, and #2 last week I only had 6 people in my class. Why teach if people aren't going to come. I needed motivation. Have to find MY motivation. I even went for a run outside before class to try and clear my freaking cluttered head. It worked a little but I just felt so bleh. So exhausted,even one of the girls came up and said "you look tired, do you need a break?" And then the people started filing in. I had 21 peeps show up and I found SOME motivation. They were there. More than 21 do not fit into that class room. We were working hard and I was finding my old peppy self coming out. I thanked them for being there, if they really only knew what they did for me be being there that night. I got an email back from the getinshapegirl.com she told me how she feels the same way. It's a roller coaster of emotions. Share my story, it might help inspire someone to keep pushing through. Give myself credit, I am eating cleaner than I ever have and I am cheating less than I ever have. I mean really, check this out. I haven't eaten chips in a month I am pretty sure. Minus the Cafe Ole ones. I used to eat corn tortilla chips everyday. I loved them. I don't miss them too much. I'd rather fill up on more nutritious food like a whole greek yogurt, that makes me full, than 10 tortilla chips. The worst thing someone could ever say about me is that I am a hypocrite. I would hate it, from any aspect of my life if someone said that about me. I know that if I went back to the old Teri, the one from this picture that eats all the candy, fast food, and chips she wants I would feel dark and yucky inside in a whole different way than I ever have. I didn't know the difference before. I didn't know what my body was capable of. I do know that that is a place I never want to go back to. I do know that I enjoy being a healthy, fit person... and it makes me happy for people to look at me and know those things about me. Not in a jealous or envious sort of way. But in a partnership kind of way. I am not perfect all the time in my healthy lifestyle. I want to be more perfect in it. I want to be better and choose better. I want to help other people find the person they were meant to be. I want to find a balance. Now, is here is to finding my balance.