Shifting Gears

The past week I have really come to the conclusion that I am a little bit of a crazy lady up in the head. I don't want to say I have struggled coming off of competing. That seems so "normal," so "everybody says that." To be honest the more I articulate how I feel and the things I am doing and saying the more I realize I have been using one big excuse after another.
"I was so restricted so long."
"This makes me happy right now."
"I am a mom, I have to find balance."
the list goes on, there were more. I have talked before about my internal dialogue between the angel on the right shoulder and the devil on the left. I think how I want something so so bad, yet I know I shouldn't have it. I know the scale will go up, I will feel guilty. I mostly refer to food only as I have come off of contest prep because the training isn't an issue. I love to sweat, I love to lift heavy things, I love to feel the endorphins, I love to push my body.
Food has become a crutch, it has become something I use to stuff my feelings. I don't even know what else to say it has become, besides out of control. My relationship with food is not good and when I honestly think about it-- it has always been this way. I have used the excuse of competing, but that is all it is. It's an excuse. I have always loved "bad" food, and I have always tried to out run the inner fat girl by keeping the junk out of my life, but eventually it always has caught up to me and I have always felt sad after the inner f.g. caught me and I had a "slip up."
I'm so sick of these words!!
slip up
cheating
on track
bad food
good food
Seriously. Sick of it.
This is where I think my issues are really lying, and I think where they have been since (honestly my first memory is 5th grade of these issues). No, I dont have an eating disorder. I eat, I don't throw up, I don't kill myself at the gym after I have eaten some bad food (food that isn't on my plan). I just have some weird hang up with food and what it is to me. Addictions. I have food addictions I guess. I could go see someone to talk about these said issues, but instead I am too cheap and I think I can work on them in little ways on my own. So for now that is what I am going to do.
I have a new plan. I am type A planner girl and that's what I do. I make plans, outlines, and lists.
I started a cleanse today (I HATE cleanses, fyi) but Jon recommended it and I feel like his reasons were valid points. My body needs a little down time and a little reset. It isn't a starve yourself cleanse or take weird supplements cleanse. It is a fast today (I am a little hungry, and super tired) with lots of water, tomorrow I will have fruits all day, veggies the next, and then a combo of protein, veggies and fruits the next 4 days. I just need a fresh slate and this is where I am getting it from, along with the mental makeover I feel like I have come to grips with and am working on.
I like to eat every 3 hours, mostly because I am always hungry. There is a lot of research out there on intermittent fasting, paleo/primal, 4 meals a day vs 6... but what I feel like works for me and is going to work for me is 5-6 small meals a day. My calories are about to go up, quite a bit. But not in that crazy, macro counting obsessive way. I calculated some numbers based on Kyra's post and I see that my caloric intake should be around 2000 a day. That seems really high to me but when I take into account what I have been eating and the cheats that have been slipping in I realize that I am obviously at that number or higher anyway. I feel like some of the out of controlness is coming from the fact that I am restricting myself, even on healthy foods to stay in a low range of calories. I think, when I am honest with myself if I can increase these calories with good, clean, nutritious ones-- I am going to be better off than ever. I think I am going to FEEL better than ever.
So my new meal plan looks like this.
When I am hungry every 2.5 or 3 hours, I will eat. I will eat something healthy with a mixture of protein and complex carbs and healthy fats.. .and limiting my carb sources to early in the day, with out freaking the heck out if I, GASP, eat a yam with dinner.
I am not competing anymore. I am a woman, mom, wife, athlete and trainer. I want to look fit, be fit, and be healthy. I don't have to have a 15% body fat (although I wont lie, I want to have a less that 18% body fat from here to eternity), but I do need to be using fuel for food, I do need to be practicing what I am preaching, I do need to remain a nice mom-- which means finding the balance of happy with my food, happy with my workouts, and happy with my reflection.
The reflection, is tricky. The naked reflection is really tricky. I always look straight at my stomach in the mirror. Why? Why do I do that? My stomach is not my best asset. But, I have really nice legs and butt. So there it is. I have got to stop focusing on my stomach when I look in the mirror. It is never going to have abs. Even on the stage my abs weren't popping. I can't maintain the stage look and I would be miserable if I continued to try.
So I wont.
I want to keep building lean muscle, because I love to lift heavy weights, and I do love the way muscle looks on me. That's my goal. Enjoy my workouts, cut the cardio (I have still been doing 60-90 minutes a day) in half, and eat clean.
Train dirty, eat clean, and let my mind and my reflection heal. I have a family to take care of and they need to me to be kicking around for the next 50 years, what better way to do it than that? Eat clean, train dirty, and be happy.
I think I got this.
I think I am ready.
It's going to be a great week.
How do you feel? Do you have food issues too?