Please Forgive the Jumble

I have been struggling lately. I am like a bipolar woman p-m-sing. One day I think, "I want to get to 125" then next day I think "I just want to stay at 130" the the next time I see some chocolate that wont friggin stop calling my name I say "I don't care, I just want to eat what I want and weigh 135"

And if I could only rememebr the number of days I have hidden from the scale in the last month. I can't remember frankly. I hid from it today. I have no idea what I weigh. I didn't want to step on because I just finished telling myself on Thursday that the healthy, strong, confident weight loser Teri is back, and then I found a moon pie, and some truffles and some other crap that made me so happy at the moment, but now has left me wanting to cry like a baby.

I watched Bachelor tonight, and Emily. Who I think is beauitful and blonde and perfect. I want to be like her when I grow up. So sweet and genuine. Anyway, I could see her abs under neath her dress. I just want to know what it feels like to have abs. I know my stomach has shrunk so much, and it is continuing to look better and better, but I feel like if I could just stick to eating clean and eating to fuel my body I could really see some definition. I think I owe my stomach the courtesy of atleast trying anything I can to see what it feels like. But then, I get discouraged because that stupid scale is in my opinion not being as easily guided as I am used to. It's up and down and all around and I don't really want to take all the credit of the food I am eating for it.



I got my tankini in the mail today. The bottoms are way too big. I ordered size large because I thought they would fit nicely on my butt. I HAAATE it when bottoms squeeze your fat and make it pop over the seams. My size medium undies from vic secret are like that so I assumed the swim suit bottoms would fit the same. Well, I was wrong. And the top is soooo cute on my ta-tas (sorry if that offends hehe) but it isn't long enough over my torso, and the white in the print is like see through. So, I don't really like my skin showing through when the suit is dry, i can only imagine what it will be like wet. So I will have to pay to ship that back. Then take a oh so fun day at the mall with my Amy friend to buy a different one. But I hate swim suit shopping and no matter how good you feel the morning you go, you definitly feel fat and yucky the minute you enter the bad lighting and the dressing room.



I realize I keep typing as if I am talking to YOU. Well I should be owning these feelings because there is no way that YOU really are as random as I am, and YOU probably aren't as weird or indecisive as I am either so I will restart the rest of my ramblings by owning the way that I am feeling and therefore use I instead of YOU.



I wonder if I can keep at this eating clean thing for a month. If I could do the eating clean I know the idea is that it fuels my body, is natural, and so therefore it is supposed to I think make it easier for me to get that muscle definition that I so badly want. I saw a picture of Jamie Eason, a writer for Oxygen mag, and a important weight lifting/womens fitness figure girl on a ad in GNC. She is crazy thin, and crazy ripped. It was an ad for hydroxycut. I mean, that annoys me. So do these women who I am trying to get my body to look like all take hundreds of thousands of dollars in supplements while eating clean. Holy crap. Maybe I should just stick with my meal replacements half my eating time, and eating in moderation the other half. I mean that has worked well for me since I went off Take Shape in November. I have maintained 130 since then. I am happy at 130. It seems like all these meal plans out of the magazines of people eating clean are getting to eat A LOT more food than I am used to like 170o cals. That is like 500 more than I typically have been taking in. But is the difference I wonder that the 1200 has been highly processed, adn the 1700 will be whole, natural foods, so it will be ok and I wont gain weight? well I don't really care all that much if I can weight if I can gain it in the form of muscle. Which is why I took those pics, in case I actually decide to stick to something and eat clean and grab a stomach full of fat in 30 days to see the difference. It is too hard to use the measuring tape to see changes at this point, and the scale. Holy crap the scale and me are not friendly lately.

I am like a drowning sow at 130. I get sooo close to 130 for my weigh in on Friday, but by Monday I am back up... I even saw 136 over the past few weeks. It was horrid. I was so sad. I was feeling like a failure. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was feeling like I was going to jump off a cliff and scream naughty naughty words the whole way down. I have worked so hard to become healthy I can't throw it all away now but I can't stop drinking soda. Do I need to stop drinking soda? I can't stop eating chocolate. I know I have to stop eating chocolate. There is no room for it in my life. I can't stop once I start. Like Charlie Scheen with his porn stars I just can't stop.

Health isn't a destination, the body I want isn't a destination. I can't ever stop. The new life I have made for myself of healthy eating adn exercising day in and day out has to continue or the old fatter unhappier Teri comes back. It is a fact. I am getting so bored of going to the gym every friggin day. I just want to hike, or run outside or something on my off teaching days. I want to run the same half marathon I ran last year in July. I want to kick the crap out of that 2 hr 7 or was it 9 min time. I think I can do it too. I ran 3 miles in under 8 mins each this week. I am definitly getting faster. I love running faster and faster and faster. I love when I am running so fast I am worried I might throw up. I love that feeling.

I try to explain to Amy, or Carrie, or Jared how I feel. I can't articulate it right. I can't keep complaining or playing the what if game I just have to try something... before they kill me because they don't want to hear it anymore. I don't blame them. Who wants to listen to Debby Downer whine about gaining a few pounds when you just watched her order another diet coke, or down a freaking moon pie that you think tastes like card board? Or eat yet another piece of chocolate you just told them you wouldn't eat. Nobody wants to listen and why would they when I can't even decide what I really want.

Well, I guess that's all.

Maybe I should think about it. About what I really want. Who I really want to be. What I really want to look like in a swim suit.

I will. Ill think about it. I might let you know or I might not. I might not want to be that commited.

I am hungry. I better go drink some h20 and head for bed.