alive

Just wanted to check in.
One week post surgery and I'm alive and well! Even put some makeup on today to pretend I haven't looked like death the past week....cuz I have. :)
This has been a hard week not gonna lie. Very thankful surgery is over and healing is beginning. ...
Thanks for thinking of me everyone xoxo

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tummy tuck 1 month 15 days before

At the gym today I really wanted to take some pictures and post them. I think I will on my fitness blog too. I really want people to SEE and UNDERSTAND why I HAVE to do this for myself.
These pictures make my heart so sad. I hate hating my stomach. I HATE that I try to teach women everyday to love themselves and realize how worthy of love and respect they are, when I can't do it. I can't get on board with it. I just have such hate and discontent for my stomach and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it, except have surgery.
 I hate my stomach and I want it gone. Today.
I can't wait. I am sick of the sadness every time I look in the mirror. I am sick of freaking out if my shirt creeps up. I am sick of wearing pants and looking like I have a muffin top because I DON'T. I am sick of this crap. 
November can't come soon enough. I can't wait. Seems insane when I say it, type it, but I literally feel like I will look back in 365 days and say it was the best thing I have ever done. I am not scared for surgery. I am not scared of recovery. I can't freaking wait.
( For my records I really want to remember these pictures and how they make me feel)

tures and how they make my feelrdrdFor  board. I hate my stomach and I want it gone. Today.
I can't wait. I am sick of the sadness everytime I look in the mirror. I am sick of freaking out if my shirt creeps up. I am sick of wearing pants nad looking like I have a muffin top because I DON'T. I am sick of this crap.
Novemeber can't come soon enough. I am going into debt for this and I can't wait. Seems insane when I say it, type it, but I literally feel like I will look back in 365 days and say it was the best thing I have ever done. I am not scared for surgery. I am not scared of recovery. I can't freaking wait.

Randomness

Today was my 3rd rest day. I feel so odd only working out 4 days in a week, but to be honest I am a lot more energized and my workouts DO feel much more productive. I had pushups to do yesterday and was able to do them without wrist pain, which was exciting. And I did them adding 15 lbs to my back for 5 sets of 6. That felt really good. It feels good to be strong! I love love love it. I don't notice feeling thicker, or thinner but I do feel stronger and that makes me feel like I look better for some reason--so that is fun, I enjoy feeling like I could kick the crap out of a zombie if I needed to :).
I don't check my weight again until Sunday. I am neither excited or unexcited to check it. I feel like at 145 lbs I just weigh more than I ever thought I would, yet I feel small enough while feeling big enough...muscle wise? I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway. That's my story.

I took my babies to the water park tonight after we napped from being up so early this morning for my work. It was super fun! Saw a goodie, oldie friend and it is so nice to sit and chat with people as if no time has passed, I feel truly blessed.

I kept looking around at Roaring Springs, like I always do. Of course I would notice peoples physiques and of course from time to time I feel self conscious of my own. But today there, and at work I just kept looking around wondering what my stomach will look like in 6 months. 3 months it aint going to be pretty. Itll be a swollen bloody yucky mess. But in 6 months I imagine it is going to look amazing. I just can't wait to see my stomach in a t shirt. Like when I actually BUY a t-shirt that fits my body so it wont be loose on my stomach. CAN not wait. So excited!!!

I can't believe how patient I am being. I paid my 200$ to reserve my surgery date in November. I booked my hotel room. I can't stop thinking about it and being excited. I just want it to be, like tomorrow--not in 3 months. But anything worth having is worth waiting for. School will be started and my kiddos will be adjusted, husband will be done hunting for the year, and all our birthdays will be over-- and it will just be a great time to relax and take time off from my workouts for the holidays--so I can be busy with JUST work, my family and enjoying every minute of this time while my kiddos are still small.

I also read an article today about kids feeling rushed all the time and how as adults we need to slow the heck down and let them discover, learn, and enjoy without telling them  "to hurry up, or...." (so that's not how they wrote it, they wrote it very inspirationally and made me want to be a better mom and I have been since I read it!) So, I am trying to SLOW my shiz down and allow my kids to too, which in turn--makes us all happier.

And, I am trying to decide exactly what I will tell my kids when I go for my surgery. They know I am going for a girls weekend soon. They have heard me say tummy tuck a million times, and they both think it is freaking hilarious to rub my belly super fast and see it jiggle!!!!!! (THAT SO ANNOYS ME THEY ARE LUCKY I DON'T BELIVE IN BEATING CHILDREN FOR REAL!) so that'll be fun when they can't do it anymore. I just don't know if I will say--I am cutting off this skin and I am so excited. Or if I say, mommy has an owie. Or if I just go on girls weekend and explain why they can't jump on me for a couple of months. Any suggestions?

Tummy Tuck Prep-A-Ration

OEMGOSH. I am freaking out excited right now!!!!!!!!!!!! Those of you who have been following me for a while know what a bat shiznit crazy woman I am over that lower stomach of mine and the skin that sagggggs for days from carrying my beautiful little monkeys.

I am being really brave again, (like how I always remind you of that?!) and sharing my personal struggle here with you, knowing that there are other people out there just like me who struggle in this way as well.

We have talked before about how hard I work. How healthy I try to be, both nutritionally, fitness wise, mentally and spiritually. I have ran a half marathon, done a figure show, mastered 8 pull ups in a row, bust out push ups like no body's business and I have a really nice figure. The thing is, no matter how hard I work--how lean I get, I still have that stomach pooch at my lower stomach that causes me some serious anxiety. While I know some people look at these pictures and think I am cray cray--this is a real struggle that has been hard for me to accept in life.

I have been consulting with several different offices in Utah and in Idaho for a surgeon to do this surgery for me. After some research, some consulting over the phone and online, some recommendations, and going with my gut feeling--I have decided to book my appointment for surgery. The space is secure. It is mine! I am so excited to have this procedure.

When I first sent my pictures in, they were like..."uh, you are going to have to send different pictures," (because they couldn't tell the skin issue from what I sent), so I retook these as directed and they understood better :).





I have talked at length in my blog series on body image issues and insecurities and I practice and preach accepting your body for what it is. I look at these pictures of me, and surprisingly all I see is that I just want that skin off. I think my body looks good. It is fit, I am grateful for it--but I want that skin gone so that I can stop pulling/tugging/imagining it gone every single time I walk by a mirror.

A lot of thought and prayer has gone into this decision. This is something that I really want and I am truly grateful that my husband is supportive of me wanting to look and feel my best and is ok with me spending this money and having this surgery.

As I did research online I could find HARDLY any stories (like blog stories) of people like me. Who are fit--16% ish body fat and want their skin gone. I don't want liposuction, I don't want to weigh less. I want nothing different than what I have right here in this moment than that saggy skin gone. A lot of people go into surgery assuming they will look and feel completely different afterwards. I am prepared to look just like me-- with a tight stomach that doesn't sit on top of every single pair of shorts or pants I own.

I do not advocate people to have surgery. I advocate people to be their most fit, healthiest self. I want people to love themselves for who they are and what they are capable of doing and to not take advantage of their blessings. I am honoring that. I want you all to know that I think for some, like myself, surgery is necessary to make themselves look and feel better. I work my butt off everyday and strive to be healthy and fit, but the fact that I can't physically take care of this skin by doing my reasonable amount of crunches, by eating clean, by doing a normal amount of cardio-- PISSES ME OFF! Oh it makes me so mad I could scream from the roof tops that this is bull shiz.

And I am having surgery to cut it off and I CAN NOT WAIT.

I will continue to keep you updated, as surgery is not for 3 months. I plan to eat clean and in moderation like I always do. I have cut my training back to 4 days a week oppose to 5, in fact I started a new strength training guide that I will blog about soon too. I just plan on getting strong as shiznit until Novemeber to help my body be ready for the surgery and the recovery that comes with it. I will be out of the gym at least 6 weeks post surgery-could be longer and for the first time in my life, I am not scared or nervous. Just excited. Just happy. Just can't wait to wear my surgery cap and gown and get this thang goin!!!

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